Friday, 28 December 2007

the wet is here

Finally, the rain has come...
Everything is so shinny and clean, all the plants glow happy and the birds are going loudly insane, just like the frogs - noisy little fuckers all of them! but God loves'em, I love them, this place is utter bliss and indeed paradise to me.
The mood is going a bit funny but will go to visit the local medic and see what can be done - silly me I don't have enough meds to last me until the end of my stay I can see them on top of my table back at home, I just forgot to put them in my bag - what a silly cow!
The people here is so friendly and I feel just at home, I've been dreaming about the turtles and the pretty fish on the reef - oh what a wonderful world....

Sunday, 23 December 2007

i like it Dougie style!

Why is it that getting out of Syd seems to be the best remedy for depression? I am having a ball up here! Port Douglas is so nice, the weather is perfect, the rain forest is absolutely amazing and I am feeling much better.
Seriously considering making the permanent move to this shores....
Xmas is rapidly approaching but I scored an invite to luch with some great people on the 25th, I feel happy here, I can see it becoming my home.

Monday, 17 December 2007

....................

Up, up and away!
Going to FNQ for 20 or so days, I'm leaving on wed nite and won't be back until 4 Jan. I'm on a downer again, it sucks! Last week I got the results from the test done by the BlackDogInstitute confirming for the 3rd time bi-ploar II with melancholic depression, still on antidepressants and have increased the dose again to try and help me cope with the sad times to come, that is the only bad thing about being on a high, it is followed by the bloody low.
The mood stabiliser is meant to help me avoid the very bad lows and keep the lovely highs at bay

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

raining in Sydney

So much water!, the farkin' end of the year is nigh, xmas is coming again, and I will fuck off to a tropical paradise - always intelligent me decided to go during the wet season...
Historically I have never done well around xmas so the most sensible thing is to be a coward and run for cover, so I am going away for 20 days - yes!

The zombie pills are making me very sleepy, they are also making me fat and, much to my surprise, they are actually working. Whilst I do have some bad side effects I actually feel something I had never experienced before - balance... How weird! I had no idea that life can be like this, not sad but not happy, just in the middle (fucking weird if you ask me).

Perhaps I am not the only bi-polar bear in the family: I reckon my dad and my little bro also are but they would never go to take a test or endure painful sessions with psychiatrist and counsellor and lots of needles for blood tests and lots of agonising pain talking about heart ache over and over and over and over again.

No more news to report from the front.

Tuesday, 20 November 2007

status quo

Still sailing under the wonderful flag of hypomania...
Alas! this will be my last day experiencing the amazing high I am on right now, from tonight I must start a new medication - a mood stabilizer. Olanzapine is meant to control my highs and lows and help me have a more 'balanced and normal' life. The diagnosis is: Bipolar II Disorder
I have been told I will get fat, my blood sugar levels will be fucked up, my appetite will increase and my carbohydrate metabolism will be hindered by this wonderful drug, as well as posible drops in blood pressure and the posibility ('unlikely') of having muscle twitches, so I will finally look like a complete bag-lady!
In all fairness, I have givend everything else a go so why not try this drug, perhaps I will not develop any side effects and it will be the best decision ever, all I really want is to be well.
So, here's to health!
I am a bi-polar bear....

for those playing at home: find out more about mood disorders - visit the black dog institute on
http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au

take the quiz or refer a friend.

Thursday, 15 November 2007

Konichiwa bitches!

Finally, after a long, long absence I am back!!!!
After a brief stint back in ward26 I am now feeling much better, and life is looking pretty sweet. I am officially not sad for the past 4 weeks, in fact, I have been on a high and is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, I haven't felt so good in ages, naturally I am not sleeping much but I don't seem to mind this new and improved and hyper ME.
Oh my! it all reads like bi-polar, well, it might be so, the reality is - I am feeling great!!!
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Monday, 17 September 2007

the good, the bad & the ugly

good: Monday 17th is nearly over
bad: 8 months ago
ugly: it still hurts
good: I stood up for myself against bigB trying to put his foot on my neck
bad: I hate my job
ugly: my jobs makes me feel physically ill, like I am going to throw up as soon as get there
good: I am looking for a new job
bad: no luck with the job hunting so far
ugly: the salaries offered are even less than what I am making now, which is really not enough..
good: decided I want to leave this city as soon as possible
bad: don't know when that will happen
ugly: city living
good: I am stronger now
bad: I'm too proud to admit my weaknesses
ugly: I have the bad habit of self-sabotage
good: my friends are great
bad: sometimes "I'm too busy" to let them know how much I love them
ugly: I can be really slack to reply to emails
good: I enjoy my own company
bad: I feel lonely quite often
ugly: I tend to isolate myself - not good when you're already feeling lonely...
good: I'm getting better
bad: major depressive disorder
ugly: suicidal thoughts
good: cognitive-behavioural therapy
bad: reality can be painful
ugly: looking at oneself hitting rock bottom
good: being me
bad: not liking being me
ugly: being angry at myself
good: loving me, LOVE IS GREAT!!
bad: there is really nothing bad about loving and love, even though it can be painful.
ugly: love is irrational and indomitable

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

beepbeep

Back at work last Monday.
APEC sucks!!! GeeWB sucks big time, Johny likes to suck and the rest should be ashamed of all the chaos they are causing around Sydney!!!!!!!!!
Why should I pay with my taxes for them having a great time when I have to add 30min to my commuting time for 2 weeks???? "the new world order" blows!

I have to see the new psychiatrist tomorrow, I had a relapse when I came back from overseas, oh well, I'll be OK, the anxiety is getting a bit more annoying but I'll get back on my feet again, just as I always do...
Enough for now, I must back to look for jobs.

Wednesday, 22 August 2007

K is for Krazy

Seoul is a crazy place!
People will push you out of their way, men spit on the street, burping, farting, slurping your food, sneezing without covering your mouth, it is all allowed - and almost expected - to be done at the table or anywhere you feel like it.
Motorbikes drive on the footpath, against the traffic and the rider will seldom clap his hands to let you know he is coming through (beeping is even less popular), so better get out of the way. Women are naturally gracious and the children are mostly very cute. Every where you look there are teddy bears telling you to buy stuff with lots of sparkles and funny music - annoying music. The newest fad cartoon is 'happy panda' who claims to be 'your alter ego' and talks about 'challenges' even though I didn't quite get what the challenge was all about other than to understand whatever the creators of the panda meant. A happy panda t-shirt read: "Happy Panda. I am your Alter Ego. Follow me. Conquer. Challenge - (some Chinese characters) Let's have happy day" I didn't buy it but I really wanted it, alas! the bloody Koreans are soooooooooo petite I looked big and fat next to them (!!).
The smell of the city was a horrible mix of Kimchi, pickled vegetables, rotten fruits, human waste and sweat.
It is a nice city despite all of my initial shock as I didn't expect it to be so crowded and dirty. Lovely temples, palaces and parks, with lots of museums and things to do if you feel like doing stuff - I didn't, I was tired and the humid heat doesn't help (about 38C) but I have walked a lot and seen temples and palaces and sat in lovely parks and I even managed to master the greetings and thank you, and how to get a subway ticket and order food without an English menu, if I ate dog only time will tell, I hope I didn't...

Thursday, 16 August 2007

letting go

Dearest .....,
I went to Montserrat and stayed at the Abbey, is such a wonderful place but my reason for going was merely to leave you there, I no longer carry the pain you caused in my heart, I dropped your memory down the cliff. I had the choice of dropping myself or your memory and I chose the latter, I feel better because of it. It wasn´t so easy to let go but finally, I did it, it was time. Enough is enough.
Love you dearly but I am over it now, no more!
Not inlove, not in pain, not so sad, alone but not so lonely, I feel good.

Sunday, 5 August 2007

pues nada...

Here I am posting a litle nonsense from Barcelona, I´m having a very good time staying in the dodgiest part of town, the place where i´m staying is just accross the road from this cool pub where you pour your beer from your very own tap on your table!!!!! Is that cool or what?!!! Will stay here until monday morning and then head back to Madrid to meet up with mum and aunty, hope all goes well.
pues nada, que ¡¡¡¡¡viva EspaƱa!!!!!

Sunday, 29 July 2007

I pitty the fool...

OK here's the deals, I went to this party last night, it was at the bank hotel in nutown and I hadn't been there since long before they did the whole place up, so I found that the place is very sleek and cool but where did all the 'metro-lesbians' go? All I could see was hoards of thirty-somethings trying to look 'noice' and sophisticated. Booooooooring.....

Wow, talk about incestuous gatherings... most people at the party was somehow connected to () and it was very hard for me to be there, it was a very hard reminder of what never was. It is not like they were close friends to () but six degrees of separation came pretty close to be just 3...

I am not in love with () anymore but I am not over him either, it will take a long time for my heart to heal, sorry if you are reading this and it upsets you, truth is I am not over you, it was a very big disappointment and a major blow for me, so forgive me for being selfish and admitting for the first time in my life that I am not copping, it is still too painful and remarkably sad, my heart is still broken in a million pieces and I am not sure I will ever be able to put it back together

Thursday, 26 July 2007

time goes so fast

I am feeling so unattractive today, I feel fat, sad, jaded and so over everything...

Need a new job, want more money, want a loving partner, want to have a puppy dog. I'm bored out of my brain...................................................................................
Oh and silly me decided to eat Chinese for dinner, now I feel so bloated and sluggish, hormones suck big time!!!! Had a date that was cancelled without a good reason, men suck!
Where do you go to find love???? - I received a post card from my local uniting church with that question, if they don't know where to go, what hope do I have to find love then??

I just thought the post card was a funny thing to publish here, I don't care where to go, all I want is to be happy. I'm about to go, and I'm not sure if I will continue to post here during my trip, only time will tell.......

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

be careful of what you wish for...


this is a list I wrote not too long ago asking the universe for the things I want, some of them came true and fell apart, some I'm still waiting for to happen and some I suppose will never come to be...


  • I want lots of healthy, happy charisma in my relationships

  • I want to easily find myself releasing old 'baggage' from my childhood and all previous relationships

  • I want the habit of constantly creating stress and crisis in my life totally lifted from me

  • I want to find myself expressing my intensity in ways that are not threatening to others

  • I want to easily find myself noticing the intensity of others without taking it personally

  • I want the fear of commitment lifted from me

  • I want to recognize, attract, and experience a happy soul-mate relationship

  • I want the fear of abandonment totally lifted from me

  • I want to easily find myself consciously suspending judgement of self and others

  • I want to easily find myself appreciating the beauty of nature and the beauty of life

  • I want to experience the freedom of enjoyment of living my life

  • I want to easily find myself obeying my conscience, leading to peace of mind

  • I want the habit of being blunt easily lifted from me

  • I want the tendency to excess and overloading things totally lifted from me

Some are in the way of happening, so here's hoping that one day most of my list - if not all - will be fulfilled.



Monday, 23 July 2007

beautiful things















Saturday, 21 July 2007

si me dejas ahora

Si me dejas ahora no sere capaz de sobrevivir
me encadenaste a tu falda
y ensenaste a mi alma a depender de ti
ataste mi piel a tu piel a tu piel y mi boca a tu boca
y ahora me dejas como si fuera yo cualquier cosa.
Si me dejas ahora no sere capaz de volver a sentir,
me alejaste de todo y ahora dejas que me hunda en el lodo.
Me cuesta tanto creer que no tengas corazon,
que yo he sido en tu cadena de amor tan solo un eslabon
y en tu escalera un peldano que no te importa pisar y hacerle dano.
Si me dejas ahora mi espiritu se ira tras de ti
cabalgara dia y noche sintiendose sonador y quijote
porque ataste mi piel a tu piel y tu boca a mi boca
y ahora me dejas como si fuera yo cualquier cosa.

Thursday, 19 July 2007




Wednesday, 18 July 2007

what's with that??


Hello??? Why is it that people is so unaware of bad breath?
There is nothing worse than to be sitting next to someone with a breath so foul it makes you feel like changing sits or just getting off the bus (or train) right there and then...
I was sitting next to this gorgeous woman on my way back from work, great looks, nice clothes, all dolled-up but when she decided to yawn - Oh my! what a dirty stench came out of her mouth. Morning breath is to be expected, after all one has been asleep and without a drink of water for at least 6 hours, but stinky breath during the day has no excuse.

TicTacs, gum, mints, tooth paste, oral hygiene, what happened to all those?
I am so bitchy, so what!!!!!


Tuesday, 17 July 2007

tuesday's 13

Here is a list of 13 things I am hating today
  1. e-tax form

  2. hsbc bank

  3. NSW BB

  4. the news on T.V

  5. my procrastination

  6. cold weather

  7. tremors

  8. nausea

  9. food abusive macrobiotic freaks

  10. nike

  11. star bucks

  12. people with no good manners

  13. solitude

all welcome to add to the list.

Monday, 16 July 2007

yummy salad

2 of my favourite salads:


1. roquett with pear, walnuts and shaved parmesan.


2. roquett with cherry tomatoes, pinenuts, lemon juice, olive oil, hemp seed oil and shaved parmesan.


just delicious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Great wine: Maison Champy - Bourgogne Pinot noir. Those frogs really know how to make a great wine! Try it peoples, it is really good or if you prefer Australian wine go for the Cold Streams Pinot noir, also great.


Sunday, 15 July 2007

cheesy songs




Here I am sitting at home the whole weekend listening to horrible songs, my music collection sux!!! the radio sux!!! I need new cds.

I am getting a bit anxious about my impending trip to Europe, it will be great but it will be exahusting. i really miss my mum but I am scared to see her again after 2 years.

TV blows!
I'm sooooooooooooo bored, I don't know what else to do. I can't concentrate to read, I'm bored............................................................................................................................................................................ ...................................................................................................................................................................................... ...................................................................................................................................................................................... ...................................................................................................................................................................................... .........................................................................................................................................................................

Friday, 13 July 2007

a lot less hyper

boooooooring!

I am way less manic this time, I really miss the whole feeling of not caring about anything and being invinsible!!! - Alas! it only lasts for so long and the come down is not nice at all and a lot longer lasting.
At least now I have reduced the medication by 1/3 so I am in the road to recovery or so I wish to believe. Doctor 'no-idea' wants me to go on lithium, I don't really want to, I can see the advantages of stabilizing my mood, however I can also find lots of reasons why not to take it. This is very hard indeed, on one hand there are great benefits yet in the other the risk is very big so at the moment I have decided against it. I will keep on working hard towards being healthy and depression free by doing all I can do except for taking lithium - at least for the time being.

I am so close to going to Spain, oh my god!!!!!

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

dear phar lap

I wish I was a good girl, I wish I was able to say I was in love with you - but I am not...
The truth is: I do love your ck, but as far as loving you, I am affraid to say I didn't have the chance to feel 'the feeling' if you follow me...
I'd have loved to fall for you but you never made me feel safe, you never let me fell like I could trust you, and yes, it is absolutely true, we enjoyed each other - and true - we do not love each other beyond friends.
Perhaps this will come as a horrible offence to some people and yet this is who I am: I just want to find someone to have great sex with. i will fall inlove again, but I do not know when or who with, the fact is: I love sex, I want to have someone who wants to fuck me day and night and in between, and also someone who loves me enough to let me be myself.

Tuesday, 3 July 2007

to commemorate my 30th


Today I am 30...
Today I am 30
Finally.
Finally.
30 is my ticket.
30 is what I've been waiting for.
30 is a cloak of confidence
I get to wear for the rest of my life...
30 is the pair of 3-D glasses
that allows me to see
beyond the omnipresent
apathy of those who
surround me.
It's freedom.
It's legitimacy....
I'm not married.
I don't have a baby.
I hear no ticking clock.
I've been digital since 1984.
All those things that I was supposed
to accomplish by the time I was 30
are not accomplished.
So I no longer have to worry
about the agenda someone else handed to me.
I'm no longer on any agenda.
Today I am 30
and the only responsibility I have
is myself.
My sanity.
My integrity.
My health.
My peace of mind.
My acute and unerring perceptions.
An enormous responsibility to be sure,
but mine and mine alone.
I am a fully responsible adult.
Because today I am 30.
Not a bad place to be actually.
After all, how many people can say:
Today I am 30 and
today I am free.

Adapted from Anita Liberty's 'How to Heal the Hurt by Hating'.

shock horror!!!!!

Shit!!! I had the most horrible dream, I was 30!

Hang on a minute, I am 30!!!, Oh god! How did this happen????, OK, no need to panic, I can still feel my legs, my arms are OK, and my head - oh my head! I can definitely feel it... Shit I had too much to drink again...

Fuck! I am really 30!!!!!!!! - oh well, I might as well enjoy the ride, why not?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, yes, the memories flood back, I had my birthday party and drank lost and lots and lots and lots of champagne (champagnoise more like it...), hence the headache, the vague recollections of night of debauchery except I ended up alone in my bed - as usual says my head - fuck! I wish I had had great sex to mark my entrance into the 4th decade of my life....
Dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, v dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty,

Let us hope they really are as dirty as they say......


oh my, I look fabulous!

Sunday, 10 June 2007

some days


I am learning the fine art of going no where, being no where, moving forward. My heart is still bruised and aching but my mood is stable(ish) and I know I will be OK all on my own. I must make the changes necessary to find the right place for me.
Some days I just want to sleep forever... Or sit under the shade of a big, big tree and keep still, and not move.

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

Mr. Whiskers is no more


Dear Mr Whiskers


You were the bestest of fish ever! I will miss you heaps. Hope you had a good life with me.
Good bye little friend - tu_tu_tu_tuuuuuuuuuu

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

to Kasia with love

No my dear, the list is NOT in order of importance and yes, I happen to like jasmine smell, not the fake one. I was talking about the actual flower...

True

26. the colour pink (was missing from my list), along with

27. having 2 passports

28. rice paper rolls and musubies from IKU

29. red wine

30. pay attention to me - according to Kasia this should be first on the list...


Love youse all until next time. Greetings from Kasia ( miss Poland)
All hail the land of muscle!!!!!!!!

Friday, 25 May 2007

these are a few of my favourite things

The following is just a list of some of the things I like the best.

1. the smell of fresh jasmine
2. clean, crips bed sheets
3. the smell of the ocean
4. a cold beer on a hot day
5. waking up feeling refreshed
6. appricots
7. freshly brewd double espressos
8. people who say 'you're welcome'
9. puppy dogs
10. sun showers
11. looking fabulous in a new dress
12. hugs for no reason
13. fresh figs
14. soft, warm jumpers in winter
15. short shorts
16. cotton socks
17. turttles
18. gardenias
19. Team America World Police
20. multiple orgasms
21. dark chocolate
22. strawberry cheese cake
23. the smell of cinnamon
24. shoes!!!!
25. laughing out loud with my best friend

Thursday, 24 May 2007

from the islands of Fiji...


Yeah right!, I wish I was there, but not, I am still at home, but my water bottle has that slogan, so I thought to myself: dear me, wouldn't it be lovely to be in Fiji right now? - Oh well! one can always dream...

I am getting closer to my escapade to Madrid and Korea, wow time passes so quick! it feels like it was just 2 weeks ago that I started writing this blog but it has been a fair while back, must say I am so much better now, feeling stronger, knowing myself a little bit better and for the best part less sad than before.

My strange relationship of sorts is going OK, we speak only when necessary, do not display affection in public, spend 1 night a week together and only contact each other once a day by sms. It seems like the perfect yet-highly -neurotic -but-mature and grown up relationship my not-boyfriend always wanted. I don't trust him, so I go along with this stupid game but don't know for how long I will put up with it.


I actually want affection and attention, and lots of it. I want to have someone who wants me, who loves me and who I can trust, someone who wants to talk to me and not just sit next to me whilst we read and never talk. He is great in so many levels but his phlegmatic ways drive me crazy! How can a person be so passionate about certain issues and yet be so cold and damp when it comes to life itself????


Oh my! the other problem is: the clock is ticking - yes that clock! I want to have a baby, and the desire is getting stronger and stronger, I know now is virtually impossible for me to fall pregnant but I want to have kids soon, as soon as I am ready - physically, emotionally and once I find a dad for them. 2.3 little beautiful baby monkeys, I will be in heaven when that happens.


Things are getting interesting in other aspects of life, I hate work and I have decide to start applying for new jobs, a federal erection is looming and the political conundrums have always tickled my fancy, so it seems to be getting a better year now. My birthday is fast approaching and I will officially be an 'old-fucka' so there's lots of exciting happenings all around.


Bad news in the health front: I have a nasty kidney infection, I don't know how it got there but the point is: I am sick again and taking antibiotics again - that sucks! My theory is that because I hate my job my body allows all sorts of nasties to get in so if I get sick I will not have to go to drug-fucked oxford street, I really cannot stand the stench or the filth of the street anymore, I need to get out of there as soon as possible, it is not fair on my body nor my soul for me to allow my discontent to manifest physically in order for me to change my situation.

That place is full of memories for me and yes, it is still painful some days to drag myself there and talk to people about what never was - yes there are still some who ask about ....


The fever is coming back, I will take some nurofen and try to sleep a little, hopefully will dream happy days to come...

Thursday, 10 May 2007

crawling out of the abyss


Near one month has passed and I just couldn't be bothered to write in this blog, it is nothing personal, I was just going through a lazy phase.


I am feeling stronger, life is getting better, my lil' ole heart is mending and I seem to be responding better to both therapy and medication, even seem more optimistic - according to me...

anyway!


(me gustaria tenerte en mis brazos y darte todo mi corazon y mi amor, pero la vida no es como uno quiere y ahora estoy aqui, sigo aqui; sola, esperando que alguien sea capaz de ver dentro de mi corazon y descubra que yo de verdad que valgo la pena, si me hubieses dado la oprtunidad de hacerte feliz todo seria mucho mejor, que dolor y que pena tan grande! La soledad es una hija de puta!)


Never mind the interlude, I (sometimes) need to express myself in other languages, but that is just me.

Work is getting slowly more comfortable and, at the same time more and more boring and annoying, I really want to go away and do something different, something more meaningful and fulfilling but at the time I am in no position to quit - that sucks!

I will be travelling soon, next August, that should make me feel better. I will be going to parts of the world I have never been to before - probably should be very excited about it but the truth is I am not really sure the energy is quite there yet but I sure will be happier about it once I get on that plane.


Listening to Both sides now by Joni Mitchell, love that song! the newer version is the best...


Rows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air. And feather canyons ev'rywhere, I've looked at clouds that way. But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on ev'ryone. So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way. I've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it's cloud illusions I recall. I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel. As ev'ry fairy tales comes real, I've looked at love that way. But now is just another show, you leave'em laughing when you go. And if you care don't let them know, don't give yourself away. I've looked at love from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it's love's illusions I recall. I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud. Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way. But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads they say I've changed. Well something's lost and something's gained in living ev'ry day. I've looked at life from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all.

I've looked at life from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all.


I'm going to bed now and hope I will get some sleep, work tomorrow, just like any other day...

Saturday, 14 April 2007

reporting from hell

Hmmmmmmmm, what to say this time? I basically just want to give up, I'm tired of trying. I'm very sleepy and yet once in bed I keep tossing and turning and I can't find my spot. If I was to stop taking the medication the sadness would come back as bad as it was when in ward 26, so at the moment even the smallest moment or glimpse of contentment or happiness is a drug induced state that does not belong to me. My 'happiness' is not mine, my brain is totally fucked because it cannot maintain normal levels of serotonin, noradrenaline and dopamine, stupid brain! So, after all, it is a physical condition and not only an emotional state as most people would assume, still I reckon is easier to say - 'hi I'm a diabetic' than 'hi I have depression'.
Happiness = 275mg venlafaxine hcl/day
Good night sleep = 20mg temazipan
6hours without nausea = 5mg stemetil
My head is still very fuzzy, I shake constantly and I can't seem to be able to regulate my temperature as I feel very cold or very hot for not apparent reason, I have night sweats, excessive sweating during the day, poor concentration, dizziness, excessive thirst, loss of appetite, palpitations, sighing, fatigue, muscle weakness, and god knows what else, all as a side effect from the antidepressant. Still, I need it, I don't want to be back to the bottomless pit I am trying to crawl out of, I have made some progress even if it seems all I do is complain.
I am getting better.

I will adopt a puppydog...

Saturday, 7 April 2007

Sassy Red

Oh no here we go again!!!

The dreaded holidays are back! Why is it that holidays always make us ponder upon what has been? There is no worse nostalgia than to brood over those things that never happened. Life is on the up for me though but still, it is hard to come back home alone, have some take away and a couple of beers whilst watching bad TV.
4 days of living in social limbo, thankfully I had to work 2 of those days (today and tomorrow) and then only one more day off all by myself, I don't want to be a burden for anyone so I don't dare to call anyone for I know they will be getting on with their own lives and I must get used to being OK by being alone once again.
Black dog is back, what am I going to do? why does it keep creeping up? Go get fucked! that's what I want to tell it to do - bloody Black dog go get fucked!!! live me alone, let me get on with my life and never come back! I don't want to see through your eyes no more! You never feel any joy when Black doggy is in town, no matter how good things are going, doggy is never happy. Sodding dog!

Friday, 30 March 2007

Human Anatomy 101


After a deep and thorough examination I have come to the conclusion that there is a pattern in all of my relationships. It seems that all this time I have been drawn towards people who will put brain first, heart second.

I am the opposite, I put heart first and the brain can get lost for all I care. Once again I find myself in the middle of a very peculiar 'relationship' - we are only friends but sometimes seems that the talks we have are beyond friendship, there he is telling me all the things I don't want to hear so I make jokes and pretend is all fun and games, then he gets annoyed at my emotional disability.
What do you want from me? - I ask - and the answer is 'I don't know, I want a friend'
But we are friends! - 'yes but I this what I really need at this point in my life?'
Maybe you have to sort that out by yourself because I can't help you there. - 'I want to take it slow but my heart is racing and my brain is telling me I should think carefully'
Would you like and Icy Pole? - 'Do you take anything serious? I am trying to tell you something important'
Sorry, I will try to behave... OK, tell me Pharlap (cheeky smirk) - 'See? You keep doing it!' 'what I'm trying to say is that I have always fallen head-over-heels real quick and this time I want to take it slow, I am too old to have a fast and passionate affair that burns out too quickly'
You aren't that old. - 'Perhaps when you become ...ty-some you will think differently'
So, it is an age issue? - 'Partly it is. I really enjoy spending time with you, I love our talks and can hardly wait until the next time we will have another chat, even if I know I will get burned by some of your caustic jokes, don't get me wrong, I think you're great, but is this really what I need?'
Once again, I don't think I am the right person to answer that question, you see, I am absolutely biased, I reckon I am bloody awesome and too bad if you can't see it... Anyways, I want a coffee and a puppy dog, and perhaps we should talk about something less "emotional", we can discuss the sexual and reproductive habits of the fairy penguin and its impact on the Australian Foreign Policy during the 1960's, what do you reckon? - 'You are impossible!'

This is just a sample of one of those rather strange conversations, I know in the end he will chose brain over heart, he will take it slow and I will lose all interest, I will find someone else to talk to and spend time with and to have sex with, it is an age issue, I am too young for him, he keeps projecting his past relationship mistakes on me, he can't see he is doing it all again, he pushed her previous partner away and he is pushing me away too, I will distance myself from this before I get attached, before I like him more, before I start seeing his shortcomings as endearing traits. I am back to being me again, I run away from emotional stuff, I get bored easily, I need constant stimulation and new challenges.
I want to be a hunter again. Fuck all emotional baggage!

Monday, 26 March 2007

I am what I am


It feels so strange


How do you know when you have fallen out of love?, I mean, How do you know for sure? All I know is that that awesome feeling I had before is not there anymore, but also that horrible sadness of a broken heart seems more and more distant. It was only a short time ago that all I could feel was utter desolation and now it all seems as if it was a bad dream, I am so much better now, I feel less sad everyday, perhaps the medication and all my efforts are finally working.


My heart belongs to me only once again, no more tears, no more puffy eyes. I can only wonder for how long will I stay in this transitional state, I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not happy either, I just am.


...... said "now we're even" - it is not about revenge, life is just the way life is. "Mud wrapped in gold" - whatever happened is now in the past, one cannot rule one's heart, one cannot rule one's feelings, regardless of those actions I can see .... beauty, I can see the wonderful person inside. I never thought (not only for one minute) that anything was done with a bad intention, I know there was no malice and no harm intended, it was all a dream.


Now I need to figure out what is it that I want to do. Where ever I decide to go from here I know I will have fun. If you don't know where you're going you can never get lost...


Wednesday, 21 March 2007

and another thing


It was a great walk over the Harbour Bridge, thousands of people, all with a hideous fluorescent green cap. A 5km walk from Milsons Point to Darling Harbour, just lovely!


smile

I am OK.


This is the way life is and I finally accept it. I'm OK. It is time to get my life back on track and start putting my heart back together, baby steps...


I am fine!

Tuesday, 13 March 2007

Isn't it funny???

My psychiatrist told me today that nobody will love me if I am so depressed, what a fucked up thing to say I reckon!

Thank you Dr. I-have -no -idea-what-you're-going-through. You have been a great help.

I know in my heart that I will find someone to love me sad or happy or just plain blah... It is just a matter of time, I will get better, I will be happy, and I will be loved.


Loss, grief, berievement, all those are just chapters in one's life, and life is dymanic and impermanent, so why should it remain constant agony for me? It won't, it will change, and I will come on top. Is too late now to give up.


P.S. Annonymus, thank you for your comment, always appreciate the support.

Sunday, 11 March 2007

Rie


Good bye beautiful girl, I will miss you dearly little sister...

Please watch over me from heaven.

Thursday, 8 March 2007

....just because I like it

Let's talk it over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

Your were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, suppossed to be
But we lost it
All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

Your were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, suppossed to be
But we lost it
All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you care
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, suppossed to be
But we lost it
All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

Avril Lavigne

Monday, 5 March 2007

and now what?

Back at work again.

There is this hole in the middle of my chest, it has always been there, it makes me feel like everyone can see through me, I am transparent at the best of times. I feel as if I am invisible, people can see through me.
I look at people on the street, people at work, I stare at them and they never look back at me, rarely get eye contact with others, not because I avoid it but because most people will look away when you try to look them in the eye, this is so sad. I am in desperate need for human contact, I feel so lonely. I need a hug, I want to feel wanted, I want to be loved.

I want this pain to end


Saturday, 3 March 2007

news




What do you get when you cross a platypus and an orangutan?????? I reckon that's why it could never work, I am a platypus, therefore I must find another one of my own kind to go forth and reproduce; only problem is - i really want the orangutan.


Please send your insights to my email. Post a comment.

Friday, 2 March 2007

fly away



Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Is time to change and leave the sadness and the loneliness behind and I will do what it takes.I don't want to go back to ward 26.

I have decided to start dating again, just like the saying goes: you have to get back on the horse... Too soon? I don't think so, I don't really care. I don't want to be alone and the only way for me to forget him and get back on track and reclaim my heart is by looking to new horizons. Who knows? maybe I will find a great man and if not then at least I will have lots of fun in my search for somebody to love me back.

No more puffy eyes, enough tears, enough suffering, enough sleepless nights, bring on the happiness and the joy. I have all going for me.

Tuesday, 27 February 2007

Next time


I'm out of hospital again. Thank god for modern drug therapy (I mean it).

This time at least I didn't end up in ward 26, oh no, this time I was in ward 4 east at CRH, the surgical ward because of a very bad throat infection. The diagnosis was initially tonsilar Quincy, then peritonsilar cellulitis, then dunno?, then a ruptured tonsilar abscess (Quincy). I must say the pain is exquisite (which in medical terms stands for fucking bad!!!).

The morphine was maxed up and yet the pain receptors in the tonsils do not respond to opiates, so the drug barely takes the edge off and makes you very dumb but the pain is still there, I was unable to swallow even my own saliva, let alone drink, eat or talk. Not a pretty sight.

Drooling is so uncool once you have stopped teething...

If you don't drink you naturally dehydrate and then your veins collapse, so there is not much room for the medics to insert cannulas to pump you full with IV fluids, antibiotics, steroids, and pain killers, in my short (or long) stay I managed to collect 16 puncture sites (the number of attempts to insert new cannulas in my arms) which I now wear proudly. My hands are still a bit sore from the fluids, etc but the bruises are mainly internal so not too ugly.

Oral thrush is very uncool...

There's nothing like physical pain to put things into perspective, however, my depression is not improving because the drugs that I so much need clash with the drugs that saved my life so it will be a long road to get back the levels where they must be. I really want to get better and I am prepared to do whatever it takes, after all, that is the choice I made when I went into hospital the first time, I am not going to kill myself even if that is what seems to be the easier way out. I still feel like falling asleep and not waking up again.
I still have a lot of work to do...

I am not planning on going back to hospital ever again (maybe when I have a baby) but if it was to happen again I would definitely take a number of things with me like pyjamas, my tooth brush, fresh fruit, a neck pillow, clean nickers, a comb, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, Kleenex toilet paper, lip balm, and before going in I would go for a Brazilian wax. iPod is optional.

Nurses rock! even if sometimes they get all flustered and get mixed up and very nearly administered me penicillin, the one drug I had an alert bracelet for...

Friends are the most important part of getting better. Love you all, thank you so much for picking up the pieces yet again.

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

blah

From the creators of Christmas consumerism, Hallmark Corporation brings to you: Valentine's day, and it sux!!!
Why? On top of all the dates in which you are expected to buy presents, make phone calls and send cards, now we are told that we must spend yet more money on a completely random day in the middle of February, I don't like it. I have never been able to get it and now that I am again single and dateless is just seems even more unnecessary to have a specific day in which to show love by "buying it".

Oh my! I sound so bitter, don't I? - Well, I don't care. Walking around the city was a bit hard today, every other person had a bouquet of flowers or a rose or a present or balloons, or a teddy bear in their hands, all the couples appeared to be soooooooo much inlove. It made me feel rather inadequate, not because I naturally didn't get (and of course didn't give) anything for Valentine's, but because of the fact of finding myself longing for love when I was meant to be having the best time of my life.

Yes, yes, I know it seems to be too soon, but I really don't want to be alone, I want to find someone who loves me and although I am still in love with him, I do not see the point for me to wait - fact is: he is never coming back, so there's no reason to force myself to live my life alone, to be lonely, I don't like that feeling and I don't want it. So, I am on the look again, hoping that this time luck and love will be on my side.

Love, passion, companionship, great sex, a good husband, 2 babies, and happiness, that is what I want for myself, it may seem like is too much to ask but I know in my heart that it is what I deserve.
I would like to have a puppy dog.


Monday, 12 February 2007

Balancing act

Ice skating was fun.
I went to work today, it was a very slow day. The rain keeps everyone out of the streets but when you work in retail is not very good for business.

A good friend is leaving work in 2 weeks, it will be good for him as he will have a more relaxed job and more time to spend with his partner, still it will be sad to say good bye, he is a good bloke. We shall miss him.

Going back to work is a bit hard, I feel very anxious when I'm there, I feel as if everyone can see right through me, I feel so self conscious and it makes me panicky. It takes so much energy to put on a facade, to pretend that I am OK, that I'm in control when I am really just so scared and all I seem to do when I am alone is cry inconsolably.

Why is it that even if I can see all the marvelous things life has to offer my heart cannot find joy? Sitting outside gazing at the trees and the plants and the birds that fly around is so beautiful, so full of magic. Yet my heart is else where and my mind seems to be constantly dampen by those horrible thoughts. I know I shouldn't but I miss everything about him, I miss his eyes, his voice, his body, his love, I miss him cooking porridge for me in the morning, his hands caressing me, his kisses, his messy hair, the way he made love to me. Who will ever be able to fill his place? I am sure I will fall in love again, it is in my nature to love, I don't know any other way.

Love is such a strange thing, we are always constantly expossed to it and yet it sometimes seems that there is no love at all in this world. The love of one's mum and one's family can be overbearing and is also great at the same time. The love we feel for our parents and our friends, and our pets and even the attachment we have to our possessions, all these are different kinds of love, and love is great. Romantic love is a tricky thing, is wonderful but is bitter, is the most joyeous feeling of them all and it can be the most painful too; it can make you or break you.

Losing your lover can be so hard, breaking up is hard to do, hard to take, hard to overcome but is not impossible, it just takes time, sometimes is a long, long time, sometimes the next true love is just around the corner. One can fall in and out of love so easily, falling in and out of lust is even easier, sometimes one doesn't even fall in love nor in lust, sometimes is just covetting, and that is only human.
Is only love that gets you through...


Friday, 9 February 2007

Back in business

Yesterday was my first day back at work.

It wasn't a bad day, it wasn't busy, in fact it was pretty much an ordinary day at work except I was just feeling very anxious and really didn't want to be there.
This wasn't meant to my life... I was meant to be happy, enjoying life and planning for the future.

All the people at work are really nice, everybody is concerned and all they want for me is the best. I am so lucky to have so much support. I have some amazing friends who love me and help me so much, I don't know what would happen if they weren't by my side.

I wish I could find solace and comfort in something, anything, but the truth is I am finding it very difficult to push myself out of bed in the mornings, all I want to do is sleep and not wake up. I know these words may hurt some of my friends, but please understand that it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings, I am only using this blog as an outlett for my true feelings and my thoughts.

Will go ice skating tomorrow, that should keep me occupied for the day...

Wednesday, 7 February 2007

All heart-broken

This is my first experience as a 'blogger'.
I have just been discharged from hospital, I was there for 2 weeks after a very bad relapse of a rather severe depression.

What set me back so much? - Well it was indeed a broken heart... I don't understand how it happened, he said to be very much in love with me right until the last minute, then he just changed his mind and heart and decided that - after all - I was not the one and I will never be, he gave up on me without giving me a chance...

How can I blame him for being true to his heart? But why did I have to be caught in the middle? All I have to give is love and everybody reckons I have so much going for me and yet I did not deserve a chance.

Yeah I know how this sounds: 'poor me, poor me!!!' - queue the violins. Well is not like that at all, I am just trying to sort out my thoughts, I know that there's nothing I can say, do or stop doing that will make him come back and love me, that's just the way life is. At the same time there's nothing I can do to change my feelings, I do love him, he was the world to me and to lose someone so significant in one's life is plain tragic.

I want to stop feeling so sad and I want to explore my feelings and why have I been so depressed for most of my life, I am only 29 years-old and I've been sad for over 20 years. I would like to understand why I don't want to live, why do I get those thoughts telling me that the only way out is dying. I am doing everything I can to get better, take my medication, do exercise, eat healthy, see a counsellor, go out with friends, go to work and keep my mind occupied, and yet this sadness is so deeply ingrained in my heart that just creeps up on me time and time again.

It is not like there's no enjoyment in my life, sometimes there is and I see that life is full of simple pleasures. I just want to be able to feel safe in my skin again...