Friday, 30 March 2007

Human Anatomy 101

After a deep and thorough examination I have come to the conclusion that there is a pattern in all of my relationships. It seems that all this time I have been drawn towards people who will put brain first, heart second.

I am the opposite, I put heart first and the brain can get lost for all I care. Once again I find myself in the middle of a very peculiar 'relationship' - we are only friends but sometimes seems that the talks we have are beyond friendship, there he is telling me all the things I don't want to hear so I make jokes and pretend is all fun and games, then he gets annoyed at my emotional disability.
What do you want from me? - I ask - and the answer is 'I don't know, I want a friend'
But we are friends! - 'yes but I this what I really need at this point in my life?'
Maybe you have to sort that out by yourself because I can't help you there. - 'I want to take it slow but my heart is racing and my brain is telling me I should think carefully'
Would you like and Icy Pole? - 'Do you take anything serious? I am trying to tell you something important'
Sorry, I will try to behave... OK, tell me Pharlap (cheeky smirk) - 'See? You keep doing it!' 'what I'm trying to say is that I have always fallen head-over-heels real quick and this time I want to take it slow, I am too old to have a fast and passionate affair that burns out too quickly'
You aren't that old. - 'Perhaps when you become ...ty-some you will think differently'
So, it is an age issue? - 'Partly it is. I really enjoy spending time with you, I love our talks and can hardly wait until the next time we will have another chat, even if I know I will get burned by some of your caustic jokes, don't get me wrong, I think you're great, but is this really what I need?'
Once again, I don't think I am the right person to answer that question, you see, I am absolutely biased, I reckon I am bloody awesome and too bad if you can't see it... Anyways, I want a coffee and a puppy dog, and perhaps we should talk about something less "emotional", we can discuss the sexual and reproductive habits of the fairy penguin and its impact on the Australian Foreign Policy during the 1960's, what do you reckon? - 'You are impossible!'

This is just a sample of one of those rather strange conversations, I know in the end he will chose brain over heart, he will take it slow and I will lose all interest, I will find someone else to talk to and spend time with and to have sex with, it is an age issue, I am too young for him, he keeps projecting his past relationship mistakes on me, he can't see he is doing it all again, he pushed her previous partner away and he is pushing me away too, I will distance myself from this before I get attached, before I like him more, before I start seeing his shortcomings as endearing traits. I am back to being me again, I run away from emotional stuff, I get bored easily, I need constant stimulation and new challenges.
I want to be a hunter again. Fuck all emotional baggage!

Monday, 26 March 2007

I am what I am

It feels so strange

How do you know when you have fallen out of love?, I mean, How do you know for sure? All I know is that that awesome feeling I had before is not there anymore, but also that horrible sadness of a broken heart seems more and more distant. It was only a short time ago that all I could feel was utter desolation and now it all seems as if it was a bad dream, I am so much better now, I feel less sad everyday, perhaps the medication and all my efforts are finally working.

My heart belongs to me only once again, no more tears, no more puffy eyes. I can only wonder for how long will I stay in this transitional state, I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not happy either, I just am.

...... said "now we're even" - it is not about revenge, life is just the way life is. "Mud wrapped in gold" - whatever happened is now in the past, one cannot rule one's heart, one cannot rule one's feelings, regardless of those actions I can see .... beauty, I can see the wonderful person inside. I never thought (not only for one minute) that anything was done with a bad intention, I know there was no malice and no harm intended, it was all a dream.

Now I need to figure out what is it that I want to do. Where ever I decide to go from here I know I will have fun. If you don't know where you're going you can never get lost...