Sunday, 27 March 2016

Summer humid days & nights

It's been a long while...

The humidity makes my exhaustion even more, having so many different health issues concurrently is frustrating; not knowing for certain what/why is wrong & the worst thing ever is when you get to find yourself in a state filled with dread and uncertainty. Are the conditions discrete or related? Who knows!,

Cancer is a cuntery of epic proportions. 

I'm back at work, and it is already boring beyond belief, things that seemed challenging initially have turned out to be terribly dull and easy, I so hate having to pretend to be dumb so I don't annoy my colleagues and clients; so I can try to have a conversation which will usually be about something entirely trivial and useless. Sometimes, when I'm feeling very unwell, mundane and easy talk is as much as I can manage but I hate to have to play dumb to "fit in".

I've taken on a paramour, beautiful eyes,  clear and truthful; generous, kind, content with life, beautiful inside and out, affectionate too, and such a wonderful lover, sex is incredibly satisfying. But I am confused, I'm still very much in love with Simon, and the saddest thing is: he's never coming back, I'll never be able to hear his voice again or caress his beautiful body. 
The source of my internal conflict is that I have fallen hard, head over heels for the new man. Can you love two people at the same time? Sometimes I feel as if I'm betraying Sim; and other times I feel I am betraying F when we have sex I'm making love to S. Not all the time though, many times I'm giving myself completely to F.
I know he doesn't love me back. Unrequited love is a terribly sad affair.