Thursday, 13 June 2013

Start over

Once again I am taking medication to treat my annoying melancholic depression, I wish I could be ok without it but I am not, I feel horrible all the time, beyond sadness, I feel hopeless, helpless, unworthy, hideous, guilty, anxious and pretty much a waste of time, space and resources. 
So I guess the best is to try to help my mind get a bit quiet. 
I was told a while ago that for my condition it was expected to get worse, I thought they were trying to scare me into taking the meds without question, I mean there are lots of people out there who get better, right? Is there no hope for me?

Having an incompetent doctor doesn't help either, dr wasn't even capable of asking real questions about how I feel, and was clearly uncomfortable, beating around the bush and saying 'you've had black thoughts in the past?' I saw her flinch when I said yes I had attempted suicide before. The conversation turned to 'what do you want to take?' I need her to be the dr to take care and make a decision, I can't prescribe things or treat myself, that's stupid. Don't know, may be I'm needing a stay in the kennel again. 

I'm not plotting and planning, I just simply want to stop feeling so shit, I just want to sleep forever. 

Monday, 10 June 2013


I still remember the time when having a birthday was exciting and a happy sort of occasion. In the past three weeks I have celebrated five people close to me but none of them seemed excited nor happy about their anniversary.
My little niece just turned one and I've seen pics of her 'party', she has very sad eyes, that just breaks my heart.
In a few weeks I will be having my own birthday and it does not feel exciting or happy either, it hasn't for many years now but every year, perhaps foolishly, I try to make an effort to enjoy whatever celebration I can treat myself to, this year perhaps won't be much more than making something nice to eat for myself, by myself.
I really wish [] would come back, just to talk, just to get a reason of why he left like that. I really wish I was over it, I wish I could have some peace in my heart and mind, I wish I could understand.

Have been working with a 'mentor' I've been assigned for a few months now, fuck me I have been 'assigned' a mentor to "help improve life skills and help to integrate to the community". My mentor D is a real nice chap, we have good talks, I just find it a bit hard to integrate to a community that has for the most part rejected me for having bipolar.
I have lost everything to the fucking mental illness, my job, my home, my friends, everything, even my ability to function, I am now exiled to a little town that seemed to be a very good solution to the main problem I was having - an abusive neighbour who was making my life hell and putting my life and health at risk.
So I took the decision to uproot myself from home and leave behind the few remaining friends I had, hoping that the change would help me feel better, get well, make new friends, get a job but so far it has only made me feel isolated and now with the appointment of my mentor I feel defeated in a way.

Perhaps I made the biggest mistake of my life in trying to do what was right by {}. I know it will never be acknowledged, but it would be nice to hear that {} knows how much I've lost to help when everyone else had turned their backs, when that case had been written off by everyone, I was the only one offering help, providing friendship and refuge and it has cost me dearly.
And no I don't believe in Karma, all I've done was because it was the right thing to do not because of hope for a reward nor for fear of retribution.
Karma, like heaven and hell doesn't exist, I know because I've been through horrible experiences and yet I have never done anything to deserve them.

In the end I am just right back at where I started this blog, I still don't know why but I just want to die.