Friday, 9 February 2007

Back in business

Yesterday was my first day back at work.

It wasn't a bad day, it wasn't busy, in fact it was pretty much an ordinary day at work except I was just feeling very anxious and really didn't want to be there.
This wasn't meant to my life... I was meant to be happy, enjoying life and planning for the future.

All the people at work are really nice, everybody is concerned and all they want for me is the best. I am so lucky to have so much support. I have some amazing friends who love me and help me so much, I don't know what would happen if they weren't by my side.

I wish I could find solace and comfort in something, anything, but the truth is I am finding it very difficult to push myself out of bed in the mornings, all I want to do is sleep and not wake up. I know these words may hurt some of my friends, but please understand that it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings, I am only using this blog as an outlett for my true feelings and my thoughts.

Will go ice skating tomorrow, that should keep me occupied for the day...

Wednesday, 7 February 2007

All heart-broken

This is my first experience as a 'blogger'.
I have just been discharged from hospital, I was there for 2 weeks after a very bad relapse of a rather severe depression.

What set me back so much? - Well it was indeed a broken heart... I don't understand how it happened, he said to be very much in love with me right until the last minute, then he just changed his mind and heart and decided that - after all - I was not the one and I will never be, he gave up on me without giving me a chance...

How can I blame him for being true to his heart? But why did I have to be caught in the middle? All I have to give is love and everybody reckons I have so much going for me and yet I did not deserve a chance.

Yeah I know how this sounds: 'poor me, poor me!!!' - queue the violins. Well is not like that at all, I am just trying to sort out my thoughts, I know that there's nothing I can say, do or stop doing that will make him come back and love me, that's just the way life is. At the same time there's nothing I can do to change my feelings, I do love him, he was the world to me and to lose someone so significant in one's life is plain tragic.

I want to stop feeling so sad and I want to explore my feelings and why have I been so depressed for most of my life, I am only 29 years-old and I've been sad for over 20 years. I would like to understand why I don't want to live, why do I get those thoughts telling me that the only way out is dying. I am doing everything I can to get better, take my medication, do exercise, eat healthy, see a counsellor, go out with friends, go to work and keep my mind occupied, and yet this sadness is so deeply ingrained in my heart that just creeps up on me time and time again.

It is not like there's no enjoyment in my life, sometimes there is and I see that life is full of simple pleasures. I just want to be able to feel safe in my skin again...