Friday, 5 November 2010


I really wish I could fly.
Why can I never get it right?
What is wrong with me?
Why is it, no matter what I do, no matter how good and lovely I am, nobody can ever see it?
What have I done so wrong that I deserve only scornful looks, harsh words and appallind treatment? Dear God, please give patience to suffer, give strength to endure and give me serenity to grin and beare it all...

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

you ass-wipe!

So Spike, did you really think I didn't know? You are an outright liar, and yes, you are fat and no, you are not so hot. Your delusions of grandeur are actually quite boring after the 3rd time you keep telling the same story.
I hope you get shingles and alopecia areata, that would definitely make you think twice about how great you are!
Feel free to reply, I don't care about it, I just want to put this out there.

Sunday, 12 September 2010

demons and trying to be less

Today I am fazed by the thoughts of why so many others are having agreat time and I seem to strugle all the time. I work hard, I do what it takes for me to be O>K and yet I don't seem to be going anywhere, I feel lonely, unloved, and quite frankly hard done by life...
I really don't want to whinge but by the mass! no matter how hard I try, life seems to be passing me by, friends and acquaintances are doing better and bigger and I just barely exist day by day.
Why is life so hard? Why is love so hard to find? Why is kindness so rare? I am not talking just about me anymore, I am talking about life, love and kindness in general, so many people go without, so many die of unnecessary and preventable causes, I am very puzzled by suffering and yet there seems to be nothing I can do to help my own situation let alone that of others.
True I volunteer my time to charity and give what I can but it is just not even noticeable. I really wish I could invent a machine that could come up with realistic and feasible solutions for these problems.

There are many good things in my life and that's a fact. I have a home, a have 2 jobs, I have treatment for my Bipolar, I have a few friends and I suppose I even have a lover, so why is it that I feel so very alone? What can I do to feel content with my life?

Somebody told me I should try to be - well, 'less' I don't really know what that means, should I try to be less me, or less caring or less what?

All I know is that my next therapy session is going to be full of deep searching into the depths of my Psyche and the confines of my heart.

Sunday, 6 June 2010

too bad... or is it?

Hot and cold is not good.
Today you say "tomorrow" and tomorrow you will change your mind saying "not today", well I've got news for you - I don't want to play with you no more.
Go to hell or anywhere you find it cosy.

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

so, dyou think i'm fat????


Friday, 5 February 2010


I'm back at my volunteer job with the Sisters of Charity, I love it.
I want to get into a job that pays me for raising funds to help others, that is my call in life i reckon, either that or working for the government, I would love to be a public servant... here's hoping.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010


The rains are here and I'm feeling happy.
Perhaps more than happy, I'm a bit exhilarated - oh well, is just another part of the wonderful roller coaster that is my mood...

Monday, 1 February 2010

thus far

So, here's what has been happening since my penultimate post in July 2009.

I was very badly depressed again, not eating, not going out, not talking to many people and not wanting to go back to hospital. I then came across an experimental treatment at the Black Dog Institute, so 4 EEGs after I then commenced a course on MBS(mild brain stimulation) or DCS (direct current stimulation) which entails a very mild electrical current (around 9.v)given to the brain for 20 minutes everyday for 3 weeks, then once a week for 3 months then once every 2weeks for the next 9months, I am now in the maintenance phase of fortnightly sessions and believe me it does work. Within the first treatment I felt a change that can only be explained as my brain being given a kick in the arse and made to function properly! I was actually well for THREE MONTHS!!!, no mood swings, no deeps, no voices, all great!

Then the dreaded Xmas came and with it my mood started swinging, up and down I went again and the voices returned - the psychiatrist said they are malignant so I must get rid of them with medication, whilst the psichologist said they a fragments of my personality brought on by trauma, I don't know what to think, the medication makes me stupid and no medication makes me scared sometimes, so bad if I do and bad if I don't...
Now I'm trying to stay away from hospital, I don't want to go back but I have the mental health crisis team breathing on my neck calling me everyday asking me if I am going to kill myself today , it is all a bit upsetting really.

All I need is love.

Sunday, 17 January 2010

very long time

Three years ago - 17/1/2007 - my life went to hell at about 6:30am, that is when ..... called me to tell me it was all a lie, and i thought i was over it by now, but i can see i am not.
I am such a sad case. It really hurts and all i can do is wait until the hurt goes away.I'm just going to take a xanax and go to sleep hoping this horrible date will pass quickly.