Anniversary

The first anniversary has come to pass, that intense week at the end of August when Simon died, the weeks after until 12September the funeral and then I am expected to be ready to "move on" and "let it go", well, I can't, I don't want to, I don't even know how to do that.

Every night my heart aches for his love, my body longs for his hands, for his lips, for his kisses. I miss his voice and his laughter, hi shyness, I miss my best friend talking to me. We were never people of words but we always showed our love with deeds, I would cook a nice meal, he would clean, 

I miss you so much Simon my darling, I'm aching for your love.

Please come to me in my dreams and let me show you the love I've kept for you. Please come

Stop all the clocks

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone

W. H. Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

My beautiful Simon

I am bereft, heartbroken, destroyed. 

My love is dead. My beautiful man decided to end his suffering and go back to the loving kindness of the universe. I know his pain has ended. He lived a rich, full, complicated life, I know he enjoyed many happy moments and he fulfilled his dream of being a great helicopter pilot. 

There was much adversity on his life and much sadness and loneliness but he enjoyed a blessed childhood, a loving family, and he was loved beyond limits by myself and others. 

He conducted himself with honesty and dignity, he fought his pains and his demons with such courage and grace until the end. He was a true gentleman. 

I shall forever miss his love, his smile, his beautiful eyes. 

He was the one who truly knew me and accepted the deeply flawed person that I am without conditions or reservations. 

I know he loved me. 

Farewell my love until we meet again. 

Xxxxxx

blah

From the creators of Christmas consumerism, Hallmark Corporation brings to you: Valentine's day, and it sux!!!
Why? On top of all the dates in which you are expected to buy presents, make phone calls and send cards, now we are told that we must spend yet more money on a completely random day in the middle of February, I don't like it. I have never been able to get it and now that I am again single and dateless is just seems even more unnecessary to have a specific day in which to show love by "buying it".

Oh my! I sound so bitter, don't I? - Well, I don't care. Walking around the city was a bit hard today, every other person had a bouquet of flowers or a rose or a present or balloons, or a teddy bear in their hands, all the couples appeared to be soooooooo much inlove. It made me feel rather inadequate, not because I naturally didn't get (and of course didn't give) anything for Valentine's, but because of the fact of finding myself longing for love when I was meant to be having the best time of my life.

Yes, yes, I know it seems to be too soon, but I really don't want to be alone, I want to find someone who loves me and although I am still in love with him, I do not see the point for me to wait - fact is: he is never coming back, so there's no reason to force myself to live my life alone, to be lonely, I don't like that feeling and I don't want it. So, I am on the look again, hoping that this time luck and love will be on my side.

Love, passion, companionship, great sex, a good husband, 2 babies, and happiness, that is what I want for myself, it may seem like is too much to ask but I know in my heart that it is what I deserve.
I would like to have a puppy dog.

Balancing act

Ice skating was fun.
I went to work today, it was a very slow day. The rain keeps everyone out of the streets but when you work in retail is not very good for business.

A good friend is leaving work in 2 weeks, it will be good for him as he will have a more relaxed job and more time to spend with his partner, still it will be sad to say good bye, he is a good bloke. We shall miss him.

Going back to work is a bit hard, I feel very anxious when I'm there, I feel as if everyone can see right through me, I feel so self conscious and it makes me panicky. It takes so much energy to put on a facade, to pretend that I am OK, that I'm in control when I am really just so scared and all I seem to do when I am alone is cry inconsolably.

Why is it that even if I can see all the marvelous things life has to offer my heart cannot find joy? Sitting outside gazing at the trees and the plants and the birds that fly around is so beautiful, so full of magic. Yet my heart is else where and my mind seems to be constantly dampen by those horrible thoughts. I know I shouldn't but I miss everything about him, I miss his eyes, his voice, his body, his love, I miss him cooking porridge for me in the morning, his hands caressing me, his kisses, his messy hair, the way he made love to me. Who will ever be able to fill his place? I am sure I will fall in love again, it is in my nature to love, I don't know any other way.

Love is such a strange thing, we are always constantly expossed to it and yet it sometimes seems that there is no love at all in this world. The love of one's mum and one's family can be overbearing and is also great at the same time. The love we feel for our parents and our friends, and our pets and even the attachment we have to our possessions, all these are different kinds of love, and love is great. Romantic love is a tricky thing, is wonderful but is bitter, is the most joyeous feeling of them all and it can be the most painful too; it can make you or break you.

Losing your lover can be so hard, breaking up is hard to do, hard to take, hard to overcome but is not impossible, it just takes time, sometimes is a long, long time, sometimes the next true love is just around the corner. One can fall in and out of love so easily, falling in and out of lust is even easier, sometimes one doesn't even fall in love nor in lust, sometimes is just covetting, and that is only human.
Is only love that gets you through...