Saturday, 14 April 2007

reporting from hell

Hmmmmmmmm, what to say this time? I basically just want to give up, I'm tired of trying. I'm very sleepy and yet once in bed I keep tossing and turning and I can't find my spot. If I was to stop taking the medication the sadness would come back as bad as it was when in ward 26, so at the moment even the smallest moment or glimpse of contentment or happiness is a drug induced state that does not belong to me. My 'happiness' is not mine, my brain is totally fucked because it cannot maintain normal levels of serotonin, noradrenaline and dopamine, stupid brain! So, after all, it is a physical condition and not only an emotional state as most people would assume, still I reckon is easier to say - 'hi I'm a diabetic' than 'hi I have depression'.
Happiness = 275mg venlafaxine hcl/day
Good night sleep = 20mg temazipan
6hours without nausea = 5mg stemetil
My head is still very fuzzy, I shake constantly and I can't seem to be able to regulate my temperature as I feel very cold or very hot for not apparent reason, I have night sweats, excessive sweating during the day, poor concentration, dizziness, excessive thirst, loss of appetite, palpitations, sighing, fatigue, muscle weakness, and god knows what else, all as a side effect from the antidepressant. Still, I need it, I don't want to be back to the bottomless pit I am trying to crawl out of, I have made some progress even if it seems all I do is complain.
I am getting better.

I will adopt a puppydog...

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