My beautiful Simon

I am bereft, heartbroken, destroyed. 

My love is dead. My beautiful man decided to end his suffering and go back to the loving kindness of the universe. I know his pain has ended. He lived a rich, full, complicated life, I know he enjoyed many happy moments and he fulfilled his dream of being a great helicopter pilot. 

There was much adversity on his life and much sadness and loneliness but he enjoyed a blessed childhood, a loving family, and he was loved beyond limits by myself and others. 

He conducted himself with honesty and dignity, he fought his pains and his demons with such courage and grace until the end. He was a true gentleman. 

I shall forever miss his love, his smile, his beautiful eyes. 

He was the one who truly knew me and accepted the deeply flawed person that I am without conditions or reservations. 

I know he loved me. 

Farewell my love until we meet again. 

Xxxxxx

Update

I haven't been blogging for a while, I was in precarious position in my head, soul and living arrangements but now the panorama is different. 

I'm feeling better in myself, house troubles are not so and other than my stupid chronic pain / autoimmune disorder everything is kind of OK. 

Every week I have a meeting with a 'helper/mentor' as part of my 'strategy for recovery' and somehow we ended talking about defining moments, I thought about () and where and what their life is like, does () ever think about me? What about ()? I think of so many people who I loved deeply and for their own reasons are not close to me any more. 

My life does read like one of grief and loss but I guess every life will be touched by them at one time or another, it just feels like mine is a double concentrate. 

Everything is OK for now. 

Start over

Once again I am taking medication to treat my annoying melancholic depression, I wish I could be ok without it but I am not, I feel horrible all the time, beyond sadness, I feel hopeless, helpless, unworthy, hideous, guilty, anxious and pretty much a waste of time, space and resources. 

So I guess the best is to try to help my mind get a bit quiet. 

I was told a while ago that for my condition it was expected to get worse, I thought they were trying to scare me into taking the meds without question, I mean there are lots of people out there who get better, right? Is there no hope for me?

Having an incompetent doctor doesn't help either, dr wasn't even capable of asking real questions about how I feel, and was clearly uncomfortable, beating around the bush and saying 'you've had black thoughts in the past?' I saw her flinch when I said yes I had attempted suicide before. The conversation turned to 'what do you want to take?' I need her to be the dr to take care and make a decision, I can't prescribe things or treat myself, that's stupid. Don't know, may be I'm needing a stay in the kennel again. 

I'm not plotting and planning, I just simply want to stop feeling so shit, I just want to sleep forever. 

birthdays

I still remember the time when having a birthday was exciting and a happy sort of occasion. In the past three weeks I have celebrated five people close to me but none of them seemed excited nor happy about their anniversary.
My little niece just turned one and I've seen pics of her 'party', she has very sad eyes, that just breaks my heart.
In a few weeks I will be having my own birthday and it does not feel exciting or happy either, it hasn't for many years now but every year, perhaps foolishly, I try to make an effort to enjoy whatever celebration I can treat myself to, this year perhaps won't be much more than making something nice to eat for myself, by myself.
I really wish [] would come back, just to talk, just to get a reason of why he left like that. I really wish I was over it, I wish I could have some peace in my heart and mind, I wish I could understand.
Whatever...

Have been working with a 'mentor' I've been assigned for a few months now, fuck me I have been 'assigned' a mentor to "help improve life skills and help to integrate to the community". My mentor D is a real nice chap, we have good talks, I just find it a bit hard to integrate to a community that has for the most part rejected me for having bipolar.
I have lost everything to the fucking mental illness, my job, my home, my friends, everything, even my ability to function, I am now exiled to a little town that seemed to be a very good solution to the main problem I was having - an abusive neighbour who was making my life hell and putting my life and health at risk.
So I took the decision to uproot myself from home and leave behind the few remaining friends I had, hoping that the change would help me feel better, get well, make new friends, get a job but so far it has only made me feel isolated and now with the appointment of my mentor I feel defeated in a way.

Perhaps I made the biggest mistake of my life in trying to do what was right by {}. I know it will never be acknowledged, but it would be nice to hear that {} knows how much I've lost to help when everyone else had turned their backs, when that case had been written off by everyone, I was the only one offering help, providing friendship and refuge and it has cost me dearly.
And no I don't believe in Karma, all I've done was because it was the right thing to do not because of hope for a reward nor for fear of retribution.
Karma, like heaven and hell doesn't exist, I know because I've been through horrible experiences and yet I have never done anything to deserve them.

In the end I am just right back at where I started this blog, I still don't know why but I just want to die.

Today

Today I read a blog by hyperbole and a half about depression, it most definitely expressed the reality of it in such an articulate and sophisticated manner, I wish I could write like that. 

My life has just been so stressful, I really need to catch a break. 

I haven't had a day without pain for the past 2 years! 

Moving away from Sydney to a small coastal town seemed like the best idea a year ago, I really thought things would improve, yet so far it has gone the opposite way. 

I used to be fun and productive and energetic and creative and healthy, that is what I miss the most - being healthy, being well. 

Today someone reached out to me and I hope I can be of assistance to her. I related the incident to () and all I got was a baffled/exasperated look and a 'why would you want to do anything?, that's just stupid' response to my saying I would like to help. 

That's the message I'm getting from () of late - it's stupid, I'm stupid. It hurts because I would never call the one I love nor my friends stupid. I'm not talking about breaking the law, or putting myself at risk or harming me or anyone when I say I want to help the person who rang in desperation, why would it be 'stupid' to help someone in need? 

I know () is projecting a lot of shit on me, everything () experiences is through a filter of despair and depression, I know what that is like but that is no excuse to hurt the one you love, your partner, a friend or anyone for that matter. 

It is time to find a place for me to be me and give myself the chance to be free from constant judgement. 

So how about you stick your judgement up your arse and fuck right off! And I say this in the friendliest way and with utmost  respect. 

I'm slipping again into that deep, dark, lonely, fucked up hole called depression.
I cry for no reason, cry when peeling a mandarine, cry when looking out the window, cry when walking, cry every meal time.
I find myself feeling utterly lost, feeling inadequate, I feel guilty for not being able to get over it, feel pathetic for having a broken heart since 2007, yes I am inlove now but it's only more confusing. It feels so wrong to be wondering what happened instead of just enjoying our love, I guess I'm terrified it will happen again because I might make the same mistake and he will leave me. I'm ashamed of this feeling and I can't tell S because he won't understand. I don't want to hurt him, things have been so hard of late I don't want to make them worse.
Why can't I move on? Why is it impossible for me to function like anyone else?
I am lonely and isolated and it doesn't help that I am socially awkward and extremely anxious.
Have tried all the treatments from medication to meditation to mild brain stimulation, acupuncture, CBT, DBT, hospital admissions, self-help books and support groups.
My brain is broken, my heart is broken and now my soul is breaking.
I am broken.

Pain

After countless medical tests and trials on several medications with horrible side effects, the conclusion is 'we don't know'.
I'm very tired to hear 'you're too young to take these meds' 'you shouldn't have pain' - Well, fact is I do have pain, constant, debilitating, stupid pain, and as to my age, am I supposed to just put up with the pain and wait until 20 more years pass before I am 'eligible' for adequate pain relief?
I'm tired because I don't sleep, the pain wakes me up, can't find a comfortable spot for long enough so I get rest.
I'm tired because people don't believe I am in pain just cause they can't see it.
I'm tired of life being so painful.
Pain is so terribly isolating, I am alone and the stupid pain is so obtrusive, it interferes with every single aspect of my life.
I'm tired of trying so hard everyday and all for what?
Nothing's getting better