I'm slipping again into that deep, dark, lonely, fucked up hole called depression.
I cry for no reason, cry when peeling a mandarine, cry when looking out the window, cry when walking, cry every meal time.
I find myself feeling utterly lost, feeling inadequate, I feel guilty for not being able to get over it, feel pathetic for having a broken heart since 2007, yes I am inlove now but it's only more confusing. It feels so wrong to be wondering what happened instead of just enjoying our love, I guess I'm terrified it will happen again because I might make the same mistake and he will leave me. I'm ashamed of this feeling and I can't tell S because he won't understand. I don't want to hurt him, things have been so hard of late I don't want to make them worse.
Why can't I move on? Why is it impossible for me to function like anyone else?
I am lonely and isolated and it doesn't help that I am socially awkward and extremely anxious.
Have tried all the treatments from medication to meditation to mild brain stimulation, acupuncture, CBT, DBT, hospital admissions, self-help books and support groups.
My brain is broken, my heart is broken and now my soul is breaking.
I am broken.