and now what?

Back at work again.

There is this hole in the middle of my chest, it has always been there, it makes me feel like everyone can see through me, I am transparent at the best of times. I feel as if I am invisible, people can see through me.
I look at people on the street, people at work, I stare at them and they never look back at me, rarely get eye contact with others, not because I avoid it but because most people will look away when you try to look them in the eye, this is so sad. I am in desperate need for human contact, I feel so lonely. I need a hug, I want to feel wanted, I want to be loved.

I want this pain to end

news

What do you get when you cross a platypus and an orangutan?????? I reckon that's why it could never work, I am a platypus, therefore I must find another one of my own kind to go forth and reproduce; only problem is - i really want the orangutan.


Please send your insights to my email. Post a comment.

fly away

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Is time to change and leave the sadness and the loneliness behind and I will do what it takes.I don't want to go back to ward 26.

I have decided to start dating again, just like the saying goes: you have to get back on the horse... Too soon? I don't think so, I don't really care. I don't want to be alone and the only way for me to forget him and get back on track and reclaim my heart is by looking to new horizons. Who knows? maybe I will find a great man and if not then at least I will have lots of fun in my search for somebody to love me back.

No more puffy eyes, enough tears, enough suffering, enough sleepless nights, bring on the happiness and the joy. I have all going for me.

Next time

I'm out of hospital again. Thank god for modern drug therapy (I mean it).

This time at least I didn't end up in ward 26, oh no, this time I was in ward 4 east at CRH, the surgical ward because of a very bad throat infection. The diagnosis was initially tonsilar Quincy, then peritonsilar cellulitis, then dunno?, then a ruptured tonsilar abscess (Quincy). I must say the pain is exquisite (which in medical terms stands for fucking bad!!!).

The morphine was maxed up and yet the pain receptors in the tonsils do not respond to opiates, so the drug barely takes the edge off and makes you very dumb but the pain is still there, I was unable to swallow even my own saliva, let alone drink, eat or talk. Not a pretty sight.

Drooling is so uncool once you have stopped teething...

If you don't drink you naturally dehydrate and then your veins collapse, so there is not much room for the medics to insert cannulas to pump you full with IV fluids, antibiotics, steroids, and pain killers, in my short (or long) stay I managed to collect 16 puncture sites (the number of attempts to insert new cannulas in my arms) which I now wear proudly. My hands are still a bit sore from the fluids, etc but the bruises are mainly internal so not too ugly.

Oral thrush is very uncool...

There's nothing like physical pain to put things into perspective, however, my depression is not improving because the drugs that I so much need clash with the drugs that saved my life so it will be a long road to get back the levels where they must be. I really want to get better and I am prepared to do whatever it takes, after all, that is the choice I made when I went into hospital the first time, I am not going to kill myself even if that is what seems to be the easier way out. I still feel like falling asleep and not waking up again.
I still have a lot of work to do...

I am not planning on going back to hospital ever again (maybe when I have a baby) but if it was to happen again I would definitely take a number of things with me like pyjamas, my tooth brush, fresh fruit, a neck pillow, clean nickers, a comb, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, Kleenex toilet paper, lip balm, and before going in I would go for a Brazilian wax. iPod is optional.

Nurses rock! even if sometimes they get all flustered and get mixed up and very nearly administered me penicillin, the one drug I had an alert bracelet for...

Friends are the most important part of getting better. Love you all, thank you so much for picking up the pieces yet again.

blah

From the creators of Christmas consumerism, Hallmark Corporation brings to you: Valentine's day, and it sux!!!
Why? On top of all the dates in which you are expected to buy presents, make phone calls and send cards, now we are told that we must spend yet more money on a completely random day in the middle of February, I don't like it. I have never been able to get it and now that I am again single and dateless is just seems even more unnecessary to have a specific day in which to show love by "buying it".

Oh my! I sound so bitter, don't I? - Well, I don't care. Walking around the city was a bit hard today, every other person had a bouquet of flowers or a rose or a present or balloons, or a teddy bear in their hands, all the couples appeared to be soooooooo much inlove. It made me feel rather inadequate, not because I naturally didn't get (and of course didn't give) anything for Valentine's, but because of the fact of finding myself longing for love when I was meant to be having the best time of my life.

Yes, yes, I know it seems to be too soon, but I really don't want to be alone, I want to find someone who loves me and although I am still in love with him, I do not see the point for me to wait - fact is: he is never coming back, so there's no reason to force myself to live my life alone, to be lonely, I don't like that feeling and I don't want it. So, I am on the look again, hoping that this time luck and love will be on my side.

Love, passion, companionship, great sex, a good husband, 2 babies, and happiness, that is what I want for myself, it may seem like is too much to ask but I know in my heart that it is what I deserve.
I would like to have a puppy dog.

Balancing act

Ice skating was fun.
I went to work today, it was a very slow day. The rain keeps everyone out of the streets but when you work in retail is not very good for business.

A good friend is leaving work in 2 weeks, it will be good for him as he will have a more relaxed job and more time to spend with his partner, still it will be sad to say good bye, he is a good bloke. We shall miss him.

Going back to work is a bit hard, I feel very anxious when I'm there, I feel as if everyone can see right through me, I feel so self conscious and it makes me panicky. It takes so much energy to put on a facade, to pretend that I am OK, that I'm in control when I am really just so scared and all I seem to do when I am alone is cry inconsolably.

Why is it that even if I can see all the marvelous things life has to offer my heart cannot find joy? Sitting outside gazing at the trees and the plants and the birds that fly around is so beautiful, so full of magic. Yet my heart is else where and my mind seems to be constantly dampen by those horrible thoughts. I know I shouldn't but I miss everything about him, I miss his eyes, his voice, his body, his love, I miss him cooking porridge for me in the morning, his hands caressing me, his kisses, his messy hair, the way he made love to me. Who will ever be able to fill his place? I am sure I will fall in love again, it is in my nature to love, I don't know any other way.

Love is such a strange thing, we are always constantly expossed to it and yet it sometimes seems that there is no love at all in this world. The love of one's mum and one's family can be overbearing and is also great at the same time. The love we feel for our parents and our friends, and our pets and even the attachment we have to our possessions, all these are different kinds of love, and love is great. Romantic love is a tricky thing, is wonderful but is bitter, is the most joyeous feeling of them all and it can be the most painful too; it can make you or break you.

Losing your lover can be so hard, breaking up is hard to do, hard to take, hard to overcome but is not impossible, it just takes time, sometimes is a long, long time, sometimes the next true love is just around the corner. One can fall in and out of love so easily, falling in and out of lust is even easier, sometimes one doesn't even fall in love nor in lust, sometimes is just covetting, and that is only human.
Is only love that gets you through...