a lot less hyper

boooooooring!

I am way less manic this time, I really miss the whole feeling of not caring about anything and being invinsible!!! - Alas! it only lasts for so long and the come down is not nice at all and a lot longer lasting.
At least now I have reduced the medication by 1/3 so I am in the road to recovery or so I wish to believe. Doctor 'no-idea' wants me to go on lithium, I don't really want to, I can see the advantages of stabilizing my mood, however I can also find lots of reasons why not to take it. This is very hard indeed, on one hand there are great benefits yet in the other the risk is very big so at the moment I have decided against it. I will keep on working hard towards being healthy and depression free by doing all I can do except for taking lithium - at least for the time being.

I am so close to going to Spain, oh my god!!!!!

dear phar lap

I wish I was a good girl, I wish I was able to say I was in love with you - but I am not...
The truth is: I do love your ck, but as far as loving you, I am affraid to say I didn't have the chance to feel 'the feeling' if you follow me...
I'd have loved to fall for you but you never made me feel safe, you never let me fell like I could trust you, and yes, it is absolutely true, we enjoyed each other - and true - we do not love each other beyond friends.
Perhaps this will come as a horrible offence to some people and yet this is who I am: I just want to find someone to have great sex with. i will fall inlove again, but I do not know when or who with, the fact is: I love sex, I want to have someone who wants to fuck me day and night and in between, and also someone who loves me enough to let me be myself.

to commemorate my 30th

Today I am 30...

Today I am 30

Finally.

Finally.

30 is my ticket.

30 is what I've been waiting for.
30 is a cloak of confidence

I get to wear for the rest of my life...

30 is the pair of 3-D glasses

that allows me to see

beyond the omnipresent

apathy of those who

surround me.

It's freedom.

It's legitimacy....

I'm not married.

I don't have a baby.

I hear no ticking clock.

I've been digital since 1984.

All those things that I was supposed

to accomplish by the time I was 30

are not accomplished.

So I no longer have to worry

about the agenda someone else handed to me.

I'm no longer on any agenda.

Today I am 30

and the only responsibility I have

is myself.

My sanity.

My integrity.

My health.

My peace of mind.

My acute and unerring perceptions.

An enormous responsibility to be sure,

but mine and mine alone.

I am a fully responsible adult.

Because today I am 30.

Not a bad place to be actually.

After all, how many people can say:

Today I am 30 and

today I am free.

Adapted from Anita Liberty's 'How to Heal the Hurt by Hating'.

shock horror!!!!!

Shit!!! I had the most horrible dream, I was 30!

Hang on a minute, I am 30!!!, Oh god! How did this happen????, OK, no need to panic, I can still feel my legs, my arms are OK, and my head - oh my head! I can definitely feel it... Shit I had too much to drink again...

Fuck! I am really 30!!!!!!!! - oh well, I might as well enjoy the ride, why not?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, yes, the memories flood back, I had my birthday party and drank lost and lots and lots and lots of champagne (champagnoise more like it...), hence the headache, the vague recollections of night of debauchery except I ended up alone in my bed - as usual says my head - fuck! I wish I had had great sex to mark my entrance into the 4th decade of my life....
Dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, v dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty, dirty thirty,

Let us hope they really are as dirty as they say......


oh my, I look fabulous!

some days

I am learning the fine art of going no where, being no where, moving forward. My heart is still bruised and aching but my mood is stable(ish) and I know I will be OK all on my own. I must make the changes necessary to find the right place for me.

Some days I just want to sleep forever... Or sit under the shade of a big, big tree and keep still, and not move.

Mr. Whiskers is no more

Dear Mr Whiskers

You were the bestest of fish ever! I will miss you heaps. Hope you had a good life with me.

Good bye little friend - tu_tu_tu_tuuuuuuuuuu

to Kasia with love

No my dear, the list is NOT in order of importance and yes, I happen to like jasmine smell, not the fake one. I was talking about the actual flower...

True

26. the colour pink (was missing from my list), along with

27. having 2 passports

28. rice paper rolls and musubies from IKU

29. red wine

30. pay attention to me - according to Kasia this should be first on the list...

Love youse all until next time. Greetings from Kasia ( miss Poland)

All hail the land of muscle!!!!!!!!