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From the creators of Christmas consumerism, Hallmark Corporation brings to you: Valentine's day, and it sux!!!
Why? On top of all the dates in which you are expected to buy presents, make phone calls and send cards, now we are told that we must spend yet more money on a completely random day in the middle of February, I don't like it. I have never been able to get it and now that I am again single and dateless is just seems even more unnecessary to have a specific day in which to show love by "buying it".

Oh my! I sound so bitter, don't I? - Well, I don't care. Walking around the city was a bit hard today, every other person had a bouquet of flowers or a rose or a present or balloons, or a teddy bear in their hands, all the couples appeared to be soooooooo much inlove. It made me feel rather inadequate, not because I naturally didn't get (and of course didn't give) anything for Valentine's, but because of the fact of finding myself longing for love when I was meant to be having the best time of my life.

Yes, yes, I know it seems to be too soon, but I really don't want to be alone, I want to find someone who loves me and although I am still in love with him, I do not see the point for me to wait - fact is: he is never coming back, so there's no reason to force myself to live my life alone, to be lonely, I don't like that feeling and I don't want it. So, I am on the look again, hoping that this time luck and love will be on my side.

Love, passion, companionship, great sex, a good husband, 2 babies, and happiness, that is what I want for myself, it may seem like is too much to ask but I know in my heart that it is what I deserve.
I would like to have a puppy dog.

Balancing act

Ice skating was fun.
I went to work today, it was a very slow day. The rain keeps everyone out of the streets but when you work in retail is not very good for business.

A good friend is leaving work in 2 weeks, it will be good for him as he will have a more relaxed job and more time to spend with his partner, still it will be sad to say good bye, he is a good bloke. We shall miss him.

Going back to work is a bit hard, I feel very anxious when I'm there, I feel as if everyone can see right through me, I feel so self conscious and it makes me panicky. It takes so much energy to put on a facade, to pretend that I am OK, that I'm in control when I am really just so scared and all I seem to do when I am alone is cry inconsolably.

Why is it that even if I can see all the marvelous things life has to offer my heart cannot find joy? Sitting outside gazing at the trees and the plants and the birds that fly around is so beautiful, so full of magic. Yet my heart is else where and my mind seems to be constantly dampen by those horrible thoughts. I know I shouldn't but I miss everything about him, I miss his eyes, his voice, his body, his love, I miss him cooking porridge for me in the morning, his hands caressing me, his kisses, his messy hair, the way he made love to me. Who will ever be able to fill his place? I am sure I will fall in love again, it is in my nature to love, I don't know any other way.

Love is such a strange thing, we are always constantly expossed to it and yet it sometimes seems that there is no love at all in this world. The love of one's mum and one's family can be overbearing and is also great at the same time. The love we feel for our parents and our friends, and our pets and even the attachment we have to our possessions, all these are different kinds of love, and love is great. Romantic love is a tricky thing, is wonderful but is bitter, is the most joyeous feeling of them all and it can be the most painful too; it can make you or break you.

Losing your lover can be so hard, breaking up is hard to do, hard to take, hard to overcome but is not impossible, it just takes time, sometimes is a long, long time, sometimes the next true love is just around the corner. One can fall in and out of love so easily, falling in and out of lust is even easier, sometimes one doesn't even fall in love nor in lust, sometimes is just covetting, and that is only human.
Is only love that gets you through...

Back in business

Yesterday was my first day back at work.

It wasn't a bad day, it wasn't busy, in fact it was pretty much an ordinary day at work except I was just feeling very anxious and really didn't want to be there.
This wasn't meant to my life... I was meant to be happy, enjoying life and planning for the future.

All the people at work are really nice, everybody is concerned and all they want for me is the best. I am so lucky to have so much support. I have some amazing friends who love me and help me so much, I don't know what would happen if they weren't by my side.

I wish I could find solace and comfort in something, anything, but the truth is I am finding it very difficult to push myself out of bed in the mornings, all I want to do is sleep and not wake up. I know these words may hurt some of my friends, but please understand that it is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings, I am only using this blog as an outlett for my true feelings and my thoughts.

Will go ice skating tomorrow, that should keep me occupied for the day...

All heart-broken

This is my first experience as a 'blogger'.
I have just been discharged from hospital, I was there for 2 weeks after a very bad relapse of a rather severe depression.

What set me back so much? - Well it was indeed a broken heart... I don't understand how it happened, he said to be very much in love with me right until the last minute, then he just changed his mind and heart and decided that - after all - I was not the one and I will never be, he gave up on me without giving me a chance...

How can I blame him for being true to his heart? But why did I have to be caught in the middle? All I have to give is love and everybody reckons I have so much going for me and yet I did not deserve a chance.

Yeah I know how this sounds: 'poor me, poor me!!!' - queue the violins. Well is not like that at all, I am just trying to sort out my thoughts, I know that there's nothing I can say, do or stop doing that will make him come back and love me, that's just the way life is. At the same time there's nothing I can do to change my feelings, I do love him, he was the world to me and to lose someone so significant in one's life is plain tragic.

I want to stop feeling so sad and I want to explore my feelings and why have I been so depressed for most of my life, I am only 29 years-old and I've been sad for over 20 years. I would like to understand why I don't want to live, why do I get those thoughts telling me that the only way out is dying. I am doing everything I can to get better, take my medication, do exercise, eat healthy, see a counsellor, go out with friends, go to work and keep my mind occupied, and yet this sadness is so deeply ingrained in my heart that just creeps up on me time and time again.

It is not like there's no enjoyment in my life, sometimes there is and I see that life is full of simple pleasures. I just want to be able to feel safe in my skin again...