back to basics

Here I am again, receiving social benefits, asking for a health card, begging for a transport concession, lining up for public housing - oh great fuck! this wasn't meant to be my life!!!!! - I can hear myself howling, sobbing, trying to drown the horrible noises one makes when crying with hopeless abandonment. I feel embarrassed to display such emotion in public, I bet I make all those public servants feel very uncomfortable when I lose it. I wish I didn't cry when they ask me about 'assets' - I laugh hysterically and then I sob out of control, how can I keep my dignity when they have taken all my information away and dissected it in little pieces?
They know everything about me, they know I have $34.50 to last me 2 weeks, they know my rent is much more expensive than the full benefit I will get, they know my medications cost about $250 a month and yet I will only get $10.50 . Oh you will get a health card!, Oh yea, and the what? that thing will be good for 2 months and then what?
What the fuck am I supposed to do? I am about to be homeless, soon after I will be jobless, no need to mention I am living in extreme poverty already.
I am keeping up appearances at the moment, I haven't yet told my landlord about my situation out of fear to be kicked out on the street, so I scratch every single penny I get to pay for my stay here. I have officially become a parasite of my best friend, the one who pays for my meals, my clothes, and very nearly my transport to get to and from work. How can I keep going?
How can I look myself in the mirror and say 'it will all be alright'?
I have never felt so ashamed of myself before, I don't know what is going to happen. I want to quit, I want to give it all up

HONEY, I'M HOOOOOOOOOOOOME!!!

I'm back again (or is it aging?), anyhow...
After a brief stay at 'Club Mad' I'm back at home, nearly back at work (poo), supposed to be "leading a normal,rewarding and interesting life, full or blah,blah, (shit! am I supposed to be listening?) bullshit" - oh crap! I hope they are not asking me any questions about that speech because I'd be farked - that was my internal dialogue whilst I could hear the Chinese Prime Minister on the distance protesting about violations to his human rights and ascribing to the first amendment to the constitution, somebody should have told him that 'this is China-Town!' I have mixed feelings about being a little bit proud that the President of the USA-cum-PrimeMinisterofChina-cum-Chief-of-Paediatrics-cum-CIA-cum-ChineseSecretPolice-cum-RH was very afraid of me, and I didn't say a word to him, but he would shut up and be very, very still when I was in the room, He must have known I needed peace and quiet.
Most of the nurses at Unit 4 were lovely, then again we had some rough-n-tumble, cultural and language differences you might call it - in the case of P, pure stupidity mixed with insensitivity.
Being crazy is not that bad after all, it is actually quite refreshing to let go of most inhibitions and walk around in circles like a caged bear, gesticulating and whispering 'fack,fack,fack,fack,fack,fck,ck ck,ck,ck,f '(you become lazy after a while)
All is good now, the crisis has passed, I endured 3 weeks on board, staying in a private luxury cabin, dutifully eating my ration of SnappyTom.

Dodging the drug patrol in the mornings was a different story, one has to be a bit lucid to know when to quit and I reckon that Benzodiazepines and I just ain't good mates, so I developed ( more like copied McMurphy's) a method for pretending I swallowed but in fact I spat the little one out, faithfully every morning i would "take" my 3 tablets and then candidly "washed" my hands and the queta down the sink with it.
100mg of quetiapine and 20mg of temazipam just to get me to sleep at night is quite a heavy hand, and then in the morning take 300mg of venlafaxine (to put you up) and another 100mg of Queta (just to chill), no way! I spent most days asleep, in an unconscious dreamy state, perhaps that is what took me back to the surface. Dreaming can be exhausting, it can be scary, it can be more painful that reality in certain ways, so I decided to cling to this 'reality' at least is a bit less scary than some dreams.

After all IT IS GOOD TO BE HOME (at least for the next 2 weeks)

all fuzzy around the edges

I'm still feeling so numb, I still don't understand why someone would use such an excuse, why would someone lie about something like that, how could one pretend as if everything was the just as normal? I can't get my head around it.
I don't want to stop trusting in people, I still believe that everyone is inherently good natured, kind and loving; I refuse to believe this is not true at all. I believe circumstances make people act mean and be unkind, and yet, why?
Why do I still love like a child and then my trust and my love get abused and my heart gets shattered? This time was a different kind of broken heart, it was a profound disappointment to know the truth (even though this truth has helped me to move away).
Still, in the back of my mind I worry about your mental health, why did you not seem to understand what I was telling you - it was clear as the day? Were you just acting? You have been caught with your pants down, just own up to it!
Just tell the truth for once!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop telling lies and face the reality of it all, you are old enough to know that what you have done was wrong in many levels, it was not only abusing my trust and taking advantage of my friendship and the fact that I was always kind to you, it was also the fact that you used your own deceased father as an excuse, you kept him 'alive' just for your convenience, three months of lies!
Were you just after pity? Did you want sympathy?
Now all I feel for you is disappointment, and it hurts so much, it really makes me sad.

I really trusted you. You just managed to further break my heart - when you lose a love is hard, when your lover goes is so painful, but when your friend shows you how they deceived you, it is just plain desolation..
.

liar, liar pants on fire...

What was I to think, to feel, to do with this piece of information?
Did you really think I would never find out? Why did you act as if I was doing you wrong when I confronted you? I wasn't the one who lied.
Were you putting on an act pretending not to understand what I was talking about? Dates, facts, written proof, even when I gave you all the benefit of the doubt and gave you a chance to fess up with no dramas, still you pretended.
Are you losing it?
Have you lost it?

*********

Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow morning early enough to to the gym.
Yesterday was such a nice day, I went walking along the bay and saw so many beautiful doggies! Work has been such a bitch, dragon-lady keeps making every one's life such a drag. She constantly has this face all wrinkled with her lips tightly pursed in such disapproving contempt, she truly has a cat's-bum-face.

I know I shouldn't let it get to me but I come to work in reasonably good spirits and sure enough she will find an excuse to be so passive-aggressive is not funny, last week was my near over-dose with medication ( hence I was 2 1/2 days away from work) - no, this time was totally unintentional, I did not try to over-dose by myself, the psychiatrist prescribed some zanax to try and stop the manic state I was into but we didn't think I was going to react so badly to it, in any case, I am never taking zanax again, that stuff is truly evil!
O.K. back to my bitching about dragon-lady, today she wasn't happy I did the late shift because I thought Caz would leave early, and then I dared saying the radio station we were listening to really sucked, she took that as personal offence, then I took a slightly longer lunch because I had to go to the chemist, so by the time I came back she was absolutely furious and yet all she did was act like a drama queen and only walk around muttering 'this is such a hard life, such a rough world, nobody cares about me and I can never get away with stuff like...'

Then naturally something else had to go astray in the comedy of errors that the shop seems to be: one of the computers wasn't working, so here I go trying to untangle all the different cables under the counter and trying this and that to no avail, until finally I fixed it but not without getting another tongue lashing and yet another reminder of how fucking horrible it must be to be old, alone and pissed off with the world - but that has been her own choice, she made it, now she has to cope it.

I do feel for her, I know what loneliness is, I know about sadness and pain, and wrong choices, but I truly never want to end up so angry at the world and make everyone believe (especially myself) that I have been hard done by life.
Just like the song says "I get knocked down, but I get up again"

a drug update

My current prescription is as follows:

300mg Efexor XR morning
700mg Epilim morning
700mg Epilim night

of which I take 300mg efexor/morning and 1000mg epilim/night. Epilim makes me feel very slow, sleepy, tired, foggy-brained and dizzy, I can't seem to be able to find my words or to express myself coherently. Efexor gives me a perpetual tremor and sometimes I drop things on the floor and make a mess because I can't control the shaking of my body so I have pretty much given up on cooking.

I've put on weight and I have chronic back pain since starting epilim, oh, and my periods have nearly disappeared too.

It all just seems like too much but I have only just started epilim and I must give it a good go for at least another 5 months to a year before I decide to stop or change it, at some point I am meant to find the one thing that works for me - whatever that may be.

Chin up and keep on going

and it continues

Life keeps going on, and the world keeps on turning. I keep going up and down and I'm trying hard to learn the art of controlling the moods, not only with medication, but also by not allowing myself to surrender to the sinking lows nor the amazing highs.
I wish I had more highs...

Last one was a couple of weeks ago and it was when I decided to let Pharlap go, now I'm trying to get out of the down that normally follows and I miss him deeply, but I will prevail and I will not go back, I won't ask him for anything and I will not allow myself to feel lonely and think that I need him. I am OK and I can manage on my own, I always have and always will.

My tonsils got infected 3 weeks ago and now I must consider very carefully if I want them removed, perhaps that's the best option, I'm not too convinced as yet...

My bonsai is thriving, just as I am