Thursday, 16 October 2008
back to basics
Here I am again, receiving social benefits, asking for a health card, begging for a transport concession, lining up for public housing - oh great fuck! this wasn't meant to be my life!!!!! - I can hear myself howling, sobbing, trying to drown the horrible noises one makes when crying with hopeless abandonment. I feel embarrassed to display such emotion in public, I bet I make all those public servants feel very uncomfortable when I lose it. I wish I didn't cry when they ask me about 'assets' - I laugh hysterically and then I sob out of control, how can I keep my dignity when they have taken all my information away and dissected it in little pieces?
They know everything about me, they know I have $34.50 to last me 2 weeks, they know my rent is much more expensive than the full benefit I will get, they know my medications cost about $250 a month and yet I will only get $10.50 . Oh you will get a health card!, Oh yea, and the what? that thing will be good for 2 months and then what?
What the fuck am I supposed to do? I am about to be homeless, soon after I will be jobless, no need to mention I am living in extreme poverty already.
I am keeping up appearances at the moment, I haven't yet told my landlord about my situation out of fear to be kicked out on the street, so I scratch every single penny I get to pay for my stay here. I have officially become a parasite of my best friend, the one who pays for my meals, my clothes, and very nearly my transport to get to and from work. How can I keep going?
How can I look myself in the mirror and say 'it will all be alright'?
I have never felt so ashamed of myself before, I don't know what is going to happen. I want to quit, I want to give it all up