In the beginning

I have been crying for over a thousand  days and nights.

Throughout this time my grief has had different smells, in the beginning it smelled of him, I refused to wash his clothes and I would wear selected items depending on how needy for his presence I felt, it took me over a month to finally change the bedding, I couldn't even bear the idea; then my sorrow started smelling of hospitals, particularly of psychiatric units and coffee shops and terrible food in the institutions. It never smells like food in my home, I don't cook anymore, I hate eating by myself so I very seldom eat anything I made. I eat very little now, the whole desire for food eludes me.

My own body odour is also indicative of my deepest sadness, I can't care for having a shower for many days when I'm alone, it had never really been this bad, I guess I'm just allowing my exterior truly match the way I feel. It is not a punishment, for me it is a form of surrendering to my pain, and I can only do that when I am alone. Living alone just facilitates this form of surrender.

But when I must go out I use his aftershave as moisturising base before sunscreen, I also have  shower gel and eau de toilette matching the aftershave, I don't care if it's a men's fragrance, it smells like him and it's all I have now.

This year has been so cruel, I'm sure I smell of medicines - analgesics, antidepressants, anxiolytics, antiemetics, anticonvulsants, anti-inflammatories, and all other classes of pills I have to take every day to help keep my body surviving. Pain smells of chlorhexidine hand wash, and it began smelling like the hydrotherapy pool. I'm sure I smell of bitter desperation.

The day it all began I smelled of doubt and uncertainty, of exasperated nerves by countless hours of waiting for news by the phone, of interviews with detectives, of rejection from his family,

and then, not long after came the smell of the tedious ritual of filling all sorts of legal paper work and thousands of forms and applications. And the smell of pitiful wilting flowers.

Since the beginning my loneliness smells of anguish at not having enough money for rent, bills, essential medications, and food; smells of pretending I'm managing and utterly collapsing in a heap of sobs behind closed doors. It smells of strange cars of people trying to be nice to me by driving me to airports or medical appointments. Airports are amongst the olfactory cues that I identify with my grief.

My heartache smells of death, of pain, of desperate loneliness, of tears and poor hygiene. Why did it all go so wrong? He was finally getting better, we were actually having a good time as a couple after having what had felt like the longest time of fighting, hurting, and resenting one another. We were lovingly looking after each other.

In my head I can play every word we said, I have the blessing/curse of a gifted memory, and I remember even the most inconsequential details, but I don't control when my mood will be better for thinking specific memories, so when my mind presents me with bits of conversations and times shared together it can make me feel good or just aggravate my grief.

That look in his eyes that was full of love, the look he had just for me every time I returned from a trip away or I cooked something he really enjoyed eating or when he felt particularly proud of being my man for whatever reason, that look of pure love, I miss it so much it aches. I miss being able to share a full meaning with just one look, I knew it was love because it was the same look he had when he spoke of the ocean and surfing, and the same look that was in his eyes whenever he spoke about flying. It must be the same look I had every time I saw him walking towards me and he could see only me. I miss him every living minute, how could I not? He was TheOne.

"I love you very much, I will be OK XXX" those where his last words to me in the beginning.

Not gone yet

Many things have changed since the last post, many remain the same. 

Life goes on and drags you with it, kicking and screaming and fighting it but it drags you none the less. 

I remain, perhaps I must endure so I can bear witness 

Didn't count

I've taken lots of Valium and a bunch of other pills and I hope there will be a lovely sunrise tomorrow, and people go on about their business of buying newspapers and walking looking important, even when they line up to buy their terrible lunches because "it's healthy and organic and paleo and I can't eat gluten" 

Sunshiny day for all those wankers, and I hope I won't be there because I will be with Simon, finally free of the angst that's inherent to being human.

Enjoy a great life darlings .

Just this once

When I got told you were dead all I wanted to do was be next to your body, I wanted to hold your beautiful hands and kiss them, I wanted to hug you and kiss you and clean your body and I wanted to be allowed to spend time with you, but that was denied to me, I was not even allowed to go to the mortuary because she said "she's no family"

Then that night I spent in the lounge, crying, praying, in agony unable to believe I will never see you again because you were dead. 

All my everything died that day. I had never belonged anywhere, proof of that is all my different places I've lived in, but with You, I belonged with you and it was wonderful. 

I don't feel anything but I know I'm still alive, but I don't want to be alive, and if I went ahead and joined you it would fuck them up. 

They never saw how beautiful you were

The wonderful light and the warmth of your love is gone and I don't want to spend another minute here without you

Chips

I like to watch the leaves falling off the trees, floating for what must seem an eternity for them.

When I was a child, perhaps 8 or 9 I had mumps, that was the only reason why I was allowed to stay home from school, I got out of bed and went outside, there was a beautiful raven calling, his plumes were blue-black, the most beautiful colour I had ever seen, until something else caught my eye. 

A huge butterfly was just resting on the ground, it was dark purple with black edges and a few electric-blue dots, I have never seen anything like it ever again, I got told I was probably hallucinating because I had a high fever, I don't know, can't remember, but I know it gave me so much joy to see such beauty.

A long time has passed since that day, and along the way I have lost some people I loved with all my heart, but every time I've lost someone, there has been a butterfly crossing my path.

Now it's my time to go, I'm told to put my affairs in order. I just wish it was faster. Every day a tiny piece of me gets lost, or perhaps goes back to where I belong - I don't know.

There's the siren's song calling from my bed side table, 'do it now' it says, 'it'll only be a minute'. The temptation is strong and I must resist because I'm not done, because my affairs aren't in order yet, because there are things out of my control. So I must remain with this life chipping away at my soul. 

But I yearn to become the butterfly with the dark purple wings and float in the air like the falling leaves of a tree, together with S for the rest of eternity. 

Simon, amado mío, heart of my heart,

I saw a turtle swimming, SouthWest Rocks was visible on the distance, I thought about you all the time, remember we promised you'd teach me how to fish.  We also spoke about riding the bikes along the wall, we said we'd paint some art on the concrete boulders to make it less boring.

I miss you so much, it actually hurts. My heart is broke in pieces and my head's a mess.

When I die nobody will remember me, and I'll be gone.

But before I die, I will make sure your son will keep your memory.

I take comfort knowing that my time is also coming to an end, and soon I will be with you again.

Empty

I have cried so much today my eyes are red, raw, puffy and sore, I have a headache, and the empty space in my chest feels bigger.

I am lost.

Everyone feels at liberty of telling me what I should do of late, my friends telling me not to do ...., your sister telling me to do xxxxxx, I wish you could tell me what you'd do in my place my love.

I wish you could hug me and tell me it will all be OK.

Only some are not telling me what to do but only because they've discarded me, except for M, who told me what to do before telling me they can't be my friend, I know those who have left me can't deal with the fact that I may not have long to live but it truly hurts they just have given up on me, nobody knows how fast the MND is gonna take me, it may be the cancer in the kidney, who the fuck knows, what if I survive both? Being forsaken when you really need friends is so very sad. But nothing will ever compare to the pain of having to live in a world without your smile.

No matter what I decide to do, I will piss someone off, everything is so confusing and so hard, it is so unfair!

Doing what's best for me is not an option, I can't do what I truly want because I must first ensure I do what's best for your son, so I must wait and fight for the rights of a kid who will never know me.

Until the kid's future is secured I must remain, but I just want to be with you.

Somehow I must endure.