Monday, 15 September 2014


I have cried so much today my eyes are red, raw, puffy and sore, I have a headache, and the empty space in my chest feels bigger.
I am lost.
Everyone feels at liberty of telling me what I should do of late, my friends telling me not to do ...., your sister telling me to do xxxxxx, I wish you could tell me what you'd do in my place my love.
I wish you could hug me and tell me it will all be OK.
Only some are not telling me what to do but only because they've discarded me, except for M, who told me what to do before telling me they can't be my friend, I know those who have left me can't deal with the fact that I may not have long to live but it truly hurts they just have given up on me, nobody knows how fast the MND is gonna take me, it may be the cancer in the kidney, who the fuck knows, what if I survive both? Being forsaken when you really need friends is so very sad. But nothing will ever compare to the pain of having to live in a world without your smile.
No matter what I decide to do, I will piss someone off, everything is so confusing and so hard, it is so unfair!
Doing what's best for me is not an option, I can't do what I truly want because I must first ensure I do what's best for your son, so I must wait and fight for the rights of a kid who will never know me.

Until the kid's future is secured I must remain, but I just want to be with you.
Somehow I must endure.

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