Mexico

So, after 4 years since my last visit I'm once again in Mexico, Mexico City to be precise, I'm glad to be here, after all who knows if and when I'll be able to come back. I was hoping for a relaxing, invigorating, joyful holiday but on my second day only I managed to end up in fucking emergency at a Neurology Hospital with the mother of all migraines, the drs thought I was having a stroke! Thankfully it wasn't that sinister, it turned out to be a 'flare up' of he polymyositis, I was aware it is a relapsing and remitting condition however I had no idea a relapse could be so full on!!! CT scan, drip w wonderful painkillers, lots of blood taken out and a freaking Lumbar Puncture later I am now getting used to the level of pain one notch up and thanking my lucky stars I wasn't admitted for that would indeed suck balls during my holiday!!! I hate pain and my body hates me. My live and thoughts to all of those out there suffering from chronic pain in particular but also thinking of all those ill, in acute pain and in need of medical attention.

Hydrotherapy

This is how I feel and look after my hydrotherapy session, I could have never imagined this level of exhaustion was possible after just 30 minutes of very light exercise. I am indeed facing an uphill battle this time.

Immunology

So, after many years living with pain I have been diagnosed with Polymyositis (PM), an autoimmune condition that affects connective tissue, primarily muscles. Not jolly good news really. Learning that one has a chronic, progressive and degenerative, disabling disease is a hard thing to process. It started in my hips and thighs, down to my legs and now it has started to affect my shoulder girdles and arms, the pain is exquisite which in in medical terms means absolutely awful. The treatment is slow acting and the side effects of the meds are very bad, at the very least uncomfortable, in the worst case scenario can be fatal - oh the joy of being your own medical research Guinea pig. All truth be told, I don't want to take pain killers, I don't want to have to 'learn to live with pain', I just want for it to go away, I want to be healthy and not have to think what is going to happen when I cannot move my arms and I won't be able to feed myself, or swallow or even breath unassisted... I am sad indeed and exhausted.

Sea Change - and then some!

After a very long time I have left Sydney for good, I have removed myself from the horrible situation I was in, still baffled by the notion that despite having an AVO in my favour the police couldn't or wouldn't help me. The police didn't care, the landlord didn't care, the SSWHAS didn't give a fig and that terrible person was just nasty - that really was a sad case! However, things are now looking up, I have a nice house close by the beach, with a great yard that fill with birds of all kinds during the course of the day. The town is lovely, quiet and the people friendly and polite in general. It is getting colder but the sun is shinning.

NOvember 2011

Time flies!
So much has happened and at the same time nothing really happens, I'm still the same, still alone, still waiting, still thinking of all the wonderful possibilities of better lives.
What would I be if I wasn't in this reality?
Somewhere, in a different reality I am happy, I am successful, I am with (), or in another reality ..... never left and I never got so sick.
I am very angry at the ones who killed the person I could have been.
In a different reality that never, never happened so long ago that made me who I am.
Mental illness is so isolating, trauma is agonisingly lonely.

life as it goes

Finally out of hospital after 6 weeks. The first 4 were absolute agony, searing pain and near no relief, thank heavens the pain subsided a bit after week 5 eventhough I am still very sore in the mornings but oxycodone HCl helps a bit. I've met some amazing people whilst on the inside and also have seen so much unfairness and injustice towards people in dire need of help.
I will do something about it, just need to gather my strenght and then will fight tooth and nail for me and for those who cannot help themselves...

Tonsillectomy

Day 10
it has been quite a rollercoaster, excruciating pain, compounded depression, inability to swallow solid food and the insistance from the surgeon I must force tablets and solids down my gob regardless of them getting stuck and inducing a cold sweat and my whole body shaking in agony. Still some more weeks of pain to endure but sure enough I will get through it.
New post op protocol, no more all-you-can-eat icecream and jelly, no more soft diet. Just a few hours after the surgery I was made to eat roast lamb and veggies. Plenty of narcotics to take the edge off of the pain but alas not very effective.
As the days go by the pain gets worse but mercifully I have been told it will improve by day 14 or so, I'm counting down the minutes...
I wish I was slightly interested in food and could eat something delicious and be able to swallow without having to grasp the table so hard my knuckles go white - at least I'm not drooling anymore.
I'm recovering very well physically pain and all but what was meant to be an over night stay inhospital has turned out to be 3 weeks at least in a psychitric ward, the surgery, the anaesthetic, the pain and the stress have unleashed the deep seated and pernicious depression once again.
Here comes the shithead night shift nurse to give me a harangue. He is a tool.