....................

Up, up and away!
Going to FNQ for 20 or so days, I'm leaving on wed nite and won't be back until 4 Jan. I'm on a downer again, it sucks! Last week I got the results from the test done by the BlackDogInstitute confirming for the 3rd time bi-ploar II with melancholic depression, still on antidepressants and have increased the dose again to try and help me cope with the sad times to come, that is the only bad thing about being on a high, it is followed by the bloody low.
The mood stabiliser is meant to help me avoid the very bad lows and keep the lovely highs at bay

raining in Sydney

So much water!, the farkin' end of the year is nigh, xmas is coming again, and I will fuck off to a tropical paradise - always intelligent me decided to go during the wet season...
Historically I have never done well around xmas so the most sensible thing is to be a coward and run for cover, so I am going away for 20 days - yes!

The zombie pills are making me very sleepy, they are also making me fat and, much to my surprise, they are actually working. Whilst I do have some bad side effects I actually feel something I had never experienced before - balance... How weird! I had no idea that life can be like this, not sad but not happy, just in the middle (fucking weird if you ask me).

Perhaps I am not the only bi-polar bear in the family: I reckon my dad and my little bro also are but they would never go to take a test or endure painful sessions with psychiatrist and counsellor and lots of needles for blood tests and lots of agonising pain talking about heart ache over and over and over and over again.

No more news to report from the front.

status quo

Still sailing under the wonderful flag of hypomania...
Alas! this will be my last day experiencing the amazing high I am on right now, from tonight I must start a new medication - a mood stabilizer. Olanzapine is meant to control my highs and lows and help me have a more 'balanced and normal' life. The diagnosis is: Bipolar II Disorder
I have been told I will get fat, my blood sugar levels will be fucked up, my appetite will increase and my carbohydrate metabolism will be hindered by this wonderful drug, as well as posible drops in blood pressure and the posibility ('unlikely') of having muscle twitches, so I will finally look like a complete bag-lady!
In all fairness, I have givend everything else a go so why not try this drug, perhaps I will not develop any side effects and it will be the best decision ever, all I really want is to be well.
So, here's to health!
I am a bi-polar bear....

for those playing at home: find out more about mood disorders - visit the black dog institute on
http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au

take the quiz or refer a friend.

Konichiwa bitches!

Finally, after a long, long absence I am back!!!!
After a brief stint back in ward26 I am now feeling much better, and life is looking pretty sweet. I am officially not sad for the past 4 weeks, in fact, I have been on a high and is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, I haven't felt so good in ages, naturally I am not sleeping much but I don't seem to mind this new and improved and hyper ME.
Oh my! it all reads like bi-polar, well, it might be so, the reality is - I am feeling great!!!
yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

the good, the bad & the ugly

good: Monday 17th is nearly over
bad: 8 months ago
ugly: it still hurts
good: I stood up for myself against bigB trying to put his foot on my neck
bad: I hate my job
ugly: my jobs makes me feel physically ill, like I am going to throw up as soon as get there
good: I am looking for a new job
bad: no luck with the job hunting so far
ugly: the salaries offered are even less than what I am making now, which is really not enough..
good: decided I want to leave this city as soon as possible
bad: don't know when that will happen
ugly: city living
good: I am stronger now
bad: I'm too proud to admit my weaknesses
ugly: I have the bad habit of self-sabotage
good: my friends are great
bad: sometimes "I'm too busy" to let them know how much I love them
ugly: I can be really slack to reply to emails
good: I enjoy my own company
bad: I feel lonely quite often
ugly: I tend to isolate myself - not good when you're already feeling lonely...
good: I'm getting better
bad: major depressive disorder
ugly: suicidal thoughts
good: cognitive-behavioural therapy
bad: reality can be painful
ugly: looking at oneself hitting rock bottom
good: being me
bad: not liking being me
ugly: being angry at myself
good: loving me, LOVE IS GREAT!!
bad: there is really nothing bad about loving and love, even though it can be painful.
ugly: love is irrational and indomitable

beepbeep

Back at work last Monday.
APEC sucks!!! GeeWB sucks big time, Johny likes to suck and the rest should be ashamed of all the chaos they are causing around Sydney!!!!!!!!!
Why should I pay with my taxes for them having a great time when I have to add 30min to my commuting time for 2 weeks???? "the new world order" blows!

I have to see the new psychiatrist tomorrow, I had a relapse when I came back from overseas, oh well, I'll be OK, the anxiety is getting a bit more annoying but I'll get back on my feet again, just as I always do...
Enough for now, I must back to look for jobs.

K is for Krazy

Seoul is a crazy place!
People will push you out of their way, men spit on the street, burping, farting, slurping your food, sneezing without covering your mouth, it is all allowed - and almost expected - to be done at the table or anywhere you feel like it.
Motorbikes drive on the footpath, against the traffic and the rider will seldom clap his hands to let you know he is coming through (beeping is even less popular), so better get out of the way. Women are naturally gracious and the children are mostly very cute. Every where you look there are teddy bears telling you to buy stuff with lots of sparkles and funny music - annoying music. The newest fad cartoon is 'happy panda' who claims to be 'your alter ego' and talks about 'challenges' even though I didn't quite get what the challenge was all about other than to understand whatever the creators of the panda meant. A happy panda t-shirt read: "Happy Panda. I am your Alter Ego. Follow me. Conquer. Challenge - (some Chinese characters) Let's have happy day" I didn't buy it but I really wanted it, alas! the bloody Koreans are soooooooooo petite I looked big and fat next to them (!!).
The smell of the city was a horrible mix of Kimchi, pickled vegetables, rotten fruits, human waste and sweat.
It is a nice city despite all of my initial shock as I didn't expect it to be so crowded and dirty. Lovely temples, palaces and parks, with lots of museums and things to do if you feel like doing stuff - I didn't, I was tired and the humid heat doesn't help (about 38C) but I have walked a lot and seen temples and palaces and sat in lovely parks and I even managed to master the greetings and thank you, and how to get a subway ticket and order food without an English menu, if I ate dog only time will tell, I hope I didn't...