crawling out of the abyss

Near one month has passed and I just couldn't be bothered to write in this blog, it is nothing personal, I was just going through a lazy phase.

I am feeling stronger, life is getting better, my lil' ole heart is mending and I seem to be responding better to both therapy and medication, even seem more optimistic - according to me...

anyway!

(me gustaria tenerte en mis brazos y darte todo mi corazon y mi amor, pero la vida no es como uno quiere y ahora estoy aqui, sigo aqui; sola, esperando que alguien sea capaz de ver dentro de mi corazon y descubra que yo de verdad que valgo la pena, si me hubieses dado la oprtunidad de hacerte feliz todo seria mucho mejor, que dolor y que pena tan grande! La soledad es una hija de puta!)

Never mind the interlude, I (sometimes) need to express myself in other languages, but that is just me.

Work is getting slowly more comfortable and, at the same time more and more boring and annoying, I really want to go away and do something different, something more meaningful and fulfilling but at the time I am in no position to quit - that sucks!

I will be travelling soon, next August, that should make me feel better. I will be going to parts of the world I have never been to before - probably should be very excited about it but the truth is I am not really sure the energy is quite there yet but I sure will be happier about it once I get on that plane.

Listening to Both sides now by Joni Mitchell, love that song! the newer version is the best...

Rows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air. And feather canyons ev'rywhere, I've looked at clouds that way. But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on ev'ryone. So many things I would have done but clouds got in my way. I've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it's cloud illusions I recall. I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel. As ev'ry fairy tales comes real, I've looked at love that way. But now is just another show, you leave'em laughing when you go. And if you care don't let them know, don't give yourself away. I've looked at love from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it's love's illusions I recall. I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "I love you" right out loud. Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, I've looked at life that way. But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads they say I've changed. Well something's lost and something's gained in living ev'ry day. I've looked at life from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all.

I've looked at life from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it's life's illusions I recall. I really don't know life at all.

I'm going to bed now and hope I will get some sleep, work tomorrow, just like any other day...

reporting from hell

Hmmmmmmmm, what to say this time? I basically just want to give up, I'm tired of trying. I'm very sleepy and yet once in bed I keep tossing and turning and I can't find my spot. If I was to stop taking the medication the sadness would come back as bad as it was when in ward 26, so at the moment even the smallest moment or glimpse of contentment or happiness is a drug induced state that does not belong to me. My 'happiness' is not mine, my brain is totally fucked because it cannot maintain normal levels of serotonin, noradrenaline and dopamine, stupid brain! So, after all, it is a physical condition and not only an emotional state as most people would assume, still I reckon is easier to say - 'hi I'm a diabetic' than 'hi I have depression'.
Happiness = 275mg venlafaxine hcl/day
Good night sleep = 20mg temazipan
6hours without nausea = 5mg stemetil
My head is still very fuzzy, I shake constantly and I can't seem to be able to regulate my temperature as I feel very cold or very hot for not apparent reason, I have night sweats, excessive sweating during the day, poor concentration, dizziness, excessive thirst, loss of appetite, palpitations, sighing, fatigue, muscle weakness, and god knows what else, all as a side effect from the antidepressant. Still, I need it, I don't want to be back to the bottomless pit I am trying to crawl out of, I have made some progress even if it seems all I do is complain.
I am getting better.

I will adopt a puppydog...

Sassy Red

Oh no here we go again!!!

The dreaded holidays are back! Why is it that holidays always make us ponder upon what has been? There is no worse nostalgia than to brood over those things that never happened. Life is on the up for me though but still, it is hard to come back home alone, have some take away and a couple of beers whilst watching bad TV.
4 days of living in social limbo, thankfully I had to work 2 of those days (today and tomorrow) and then only one more day off all by myself, I don't want to be a burden for anyone so I don't dare to call anyone for I know they will be getting on with their own lives and I must get used to being OK by being alone once again.
Black dog is back, what am I going to do? why does it keep creeping up? Go get fucked! that's what I want to tell it to do - bloody Black dog go get fucked!!! live me alone, let me get on with my life and never come back! I don't want to see through your eyes no more! You never feel any joy when Black doggy is in town, no matter how good things are going, doggy is never happy. Sodding dog!

Human Anatomy 101

After a deep and thorough examination I have come to the conclusion that there is a pattern in all of my relationships. It seems that all this time I have been drawn towards people who will put brain first, heart second.

I am the opposite, I put heart first and the brain can get lost for all I care. Once again I find myself in the middle of a very peculiar 'relationship' - we are only friends but sometimes seems that the talks we have are beyond friendship, there he is telling me all the things I don't want to hear so I make jokes and pretend is all fun and games, then he gets annoyed at my emotional disability.

What do you want from me? - I ask - and the answer is 'I don't know, I want a friend'

But we are friends! - 'yes but I this what I really need at this point in my life?'

Maybe you have to sort that out by yourself because I can't help you there. - 'I want to take it slow but my heart is racing and my brain is telling me I should think carefully'

Would you like and Icy Pole? - 'Do you take anything serious? I am trying to tell you something important'

Sorry, I will try to behave... OK, tell me Pharlap (cheeky smirk) - 'See? You keep doing it!' 'what I'm trying to say is that I have always fallen head-over-heels real quick and this time I want to take it slow, I am too old to have a fast and passionate affair that burns out too quickly'

You aren't that old. - 'Perhaps when you become ...ty-some you will think differently'

So, it is an age issue? - 'Partly it is. I really enjoy spending time with you, I love our talks and can hardly wait until the next time we will have another chat, even if I know I will get burned by some of your caustic jokes, don't get me wrong, I think you're great, but is this really what I need?'

Once again, I don't think I am the right person to answer that question, you see, I am absolutely biased, I reckon I am bloody awesome and too bad if you can't see it... Anyways, I want a coffee and a puppy dog, and perhaps we should talk about something less "emotional", we can discuss the sexual and reproductive habits of the fairy penguin and its impact on the Australian Foreign Policy during the 1960's, what do you reckon? - 'You are impossible!'

This is just a sample of one of those rather strange conversations, I know in the end he will chose brain over heart, he will take it slow and I will lose all interest, I will find someone else to talk to and spend time with and to have sex with, it is an age issue, I am too young for him, he keeps projecting his past relationship mistakes on me, he can't see he is doing it all again, he pushed her previous partner away and he is pushing me away too, I will distance myself from this before I get attached, before I like him more, before I start seeing his shortcomings as endearing traits. I am back to being me again, I run away from emotional stuff, I get bored easily, I need constant stimulation and new challenges.

I want to be a hunter again. Fuck all emotional baggage!

I am what I am

It feels so strange

How do you know when you have fallen out of love?, I mean, How do you know for sure? All I know is that that awesome feeling I had before is not there anymore, but also that horrible sadness of a broken heart seems more and more distant. It was only a short time ago that all I could feel was utter desolation and now it all seems as if it was a bad dream, I am so much better now, I feel less sad everyday, perhaps the medication and all my efforts are finally working.

My heart belongs to me only once again, no more tears, no more puffy eyes. I can only wonder for how long will I stay in this transitional state, I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not happy either, I just am.

...... said "now we're even" - it is not about revenge, life is just the way life is. "Mud wrapped in gold" - whatever happened is now in the past, one cannot rule one's heart, one cannot rule one's feelings, regardless of those actions I can see .... beauty, I can see the wonderful person inside. I never thought (not only for one minute) that anything was done with a bad intention, I know there was no malice and no harm intended, it was all a dream.

Now I need to figure out what is it that I want to do. Where ever I decide to go from here I know I will have fun. If you don't know where you're going you can never get lost...

and another thing

It was a great walk over the Harbour Bridge, thousands of people, all with a hideous fluorescent green cap. A 5km walk from Milsons Point to Darling Harbour, just lovely!

smile

I am OK.

This is the way life is and I finally accept it. I'm OK. It is time to get my life back on track and start putting my heart back together, baby steps...

I am fine!