I am what I am

It feels so strange

How do you know when you have fallen out of love?, I mean, How do you know for sure? All I know is that that awesome feeling I had before is not there anymore, but also that horrible sadness of a broken heart seems more and more distant. It was only a short time ago that all I could feel was utter desolation and now it all seems as if it was a bad dream, I am so much better now, I feel less sad everyday, perhaps the medication and all my efforts are finally working.

My heart belongs to me only once again, no more tears, no more puffy eyes. I can only wonder for how long will I stay in this transitional state, I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not happy either, I just am.

...... said "now we're even" - it is not about revenge, life is just the way life is. "Mud wrapped in gold" - whatever happened is now in the past, one cannot rule one's heart, one cannot rule one's feelings, regardless of those actions I can see .... beauty, I can see the wonderful person inside. I never thought (not only for one minute) that anything was done with a bad intention, I know there was no malice and no harm intended, it was all a dream.

Now I need to figure out what is it that I want to do. Where ever I decide to go from here I know I will have fun. If you don't know where you're going you can never get lost...

and another thing

It was a great walk over the Harbour Bridge, thousands of people, all with a hideous fluorescent green cap. A 5km walk from Milsons Point to Darling Harbour, just lovely!

smile

I am OK.

This is the way life is and I finally accept it. I'm OK. It is time to get my life back on track and start putting my heart back together, baby steps...

I am fine!

Isn't it funny???

My psychiatrist told me today that nobody will love me if I am so depressed, what a fucked up thing to say I reckon!

Thank you Dr. I-have -no -idea-what-you're-going-through. You have been a great help.

I know in my heart that I will find someone to love me sad or happy or just plain blah... It is just a matter of time, I will get better, I will be happy, and I will be loved.

Loss, grief, berievement, all those are just chapters in one's life, and life is dymanic and impermanent, so why should it remain constant agony for me? It won't, it will change, and I will come on top. Is too late now to give up.

P.S. Annonymus, thank you for your comment, always appreciate the support.

Rie

Good bye beautiful girl, I will miss you dearly little sister...

Please watch over me from heaven.

....just because I like it

Let's talk it over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

Your were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, suppossed to be
But we lost it
All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

Your were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, suppossed to be
But we lost it
All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you care
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

You were everything, everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, suppossed to be
But we lost it
All of our memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

So much for my happy ending
So much for my happy ending

Avril Lavigne

and now what?

Back at work again.

There is this hole in the middle of my chest, it has always been there, it makes me feel like everyone can see through me, I am transparent at the best of times. I feel as if I am invisible, people can see through me.
I look at people on the street, people at work, I stare at them and they never look back at me, rarely get eye contact with others, not because I avoid it but because most people will look away when you try to look them in the eye, this is so sad. I am in desperate need for human contact, I feel so lonely. I need a hug, I want to feel wanted, I want to be loved.

I want this pain to end