Saturday, 15 February 2014


I've moved house. 
It was done in a record time of 1 week. I managed to do most of the packing by myself but did get a bit of help from T, M & P. 

P was with me that final day when I handed the keys back. It was a sad ordeal for both of us. For me as the widow, for P as the grieving mother. I asked her to take me to the beach and there we stood sobbing for a while. 
I'm trying to adapt to the new place, different sounds, especially at night. I haven't finished unpacking yet, there is a part of me that thinks it's pointless, if I'm gonna die why unpack? 

Yes, I keep thinking about suicide all the time. Dr said I should go back to hospital but what for? Last time I was admitted I was given the impression I was an annoyance even if I was paying exorbitant amounts of money to be there (the insurance was really).
If I go to hospital I have to adjust to the new place again after discharge so why not just stay home and try to manage by myself?

Money is a huge stress, I have only just enough to pay rent and bills, for the first time in my adult life I have to choose between medication or food, health expenses or recreation. Everything revolves around me being unwell, now I have to check I have my meds with me before I go out, need to make sure I don't miss a dose, I need to rest all the time after I do even the simplest of things, I have no energy and feel exhausted to the point where breathing is an effort. I hate what I have become. 
I've applied to get extra help w my rent but so far it is not going anywhere. This sucks! After paying rent & bills I get $100 left to pay for food, transport, and medications for the next fortnight, any extras are not an option. I cannot afford any emergencies. I had always been so proud of being able to manage ok even with the little money I get but now the situation has got to a point where I prefer to sleep rather than having to confront reality, big problem: I am a severe insomniac. 
Getting a job would be great but I'm so fucking unwell I am not allowed to work, and in all fairness, I'm a very unreliable worker at the moment because of my illness. 

I'm doing all I can to get better but I'm getting nowhere closer to even knowing what's wrong, let alone fixing it. I don't even think I'm making any sense. 

Every day is more painful than the previous one, my heart is so heavy with grief. I miss my darling so much, I just want to be with him, I want to hold him and hear his voice and kiss his hands but that is never going to happen. 
And that breaks my heart all over again. 

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