It is a shit load of money, true, I need it and it may solve some problems for me.
However, I'm claiming it to give it to his son when the kid (he was never allowed to even speak to, let alone see) comes of age.
When S died he didn't know he left a Will and he certainly didn't know about the possibility of such a big payout. On his final letter he left everything to me to do as I saw fit.
The Will was drafted many years before we met, he had forgotten because of all the ECT he had had fried his brain, his memory was terrible, he couldn't recall many parts of his life and the short term memory was appalling, I always had to check he turned the cooker off, many burnt pots & pans and smoke alarms triggered when I wasn't around.
The Will is a legal document, the final letter isn't. There is a strong chance the money will go to The Mother of the Kid, that would be an insult to S' memory, she was horrible to him, and although the kid would benefit from that money still, I don't want her to have it.
I want to get as much as I can and put it on a trust fund and when the kid is old enough He can learn his father loved him, he wanted to be part of his life, he sent him presents every bday and Xmas, he provided for him, I want the kid to know what a wonderful, gentle, caring, generous and loving his dad was. He never abandoned him.
As for me, well, I don't know how much longer I will be around but I am fighting for what is right. That's my motivation for the time being.
I'm utterly broken with grief, my health is deteriorating to a pace I had no idea it was possible but I'm doing all I can, I'm doing my best.