Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Comings & Goings

It has been such a long interlude between posts. Things have changed and in a way kind of stayed the same. 

I spent two weeks in hospital at the end of Feb, the idea was for me to change meds, my antidepressant was swapped for a different drug, washing out the previous one was horrible, withdrawals are so bad, I was feeling sick beyond the pale, and on top of that, my lovely nervous system decided to start shitting itself, I started having trouble walking, my left leg refuses to move sometimes so, I now have a walking stick. 
I also started Grief Counselling Therapy to help me deal with the enormity of my loss, it is strange to be a widow at my age. I miss my love so very much, I wish I could just wake up and it would be 2 weeks before I left to go to Syd, I wish I'd had made the decision not to go & I would have been there when my darling got his dreams shattered by a fucking bureaucrat. But that is never going to happen and my heart breaks afresh all over again. 
I've been back and forth since March, and about to go again to get more tests, see more doctors, find less alternatives, get more frustrated at myself, why can my condition not be just easy to diagnose? 
The pain is getting steadily worse, the neurologist thinks I am so very interesting, the ophthalmologist says I'm fascinating, the rheumatologist is confused, and the latest discovery is that I have a renal tumour. 

I'm tired, I want to give up, I need to rest. I miss Simon every living minute, I wish I could die and be with him. 

Last week I went to see the place where he died, the Constable who attended the scene drove me there, it was so surreal, I had already been to the exact spot, without knowing, I had found Simon, I found his tree but I didn't know it at the time. It made me feel connected to the place, it's hard to explain the connection we had but I could feel him, that's why I knew he was gone, I could not feel his presence anymore. I offered the tree salt and water, and I thanked the tree for keeping Sim's spirit, He chose a magnificently beautiful spot. The swamp is where his spirit lives and the tree is the guardian of his soul. I felt envy because now nature keeps him. I'm at peace but I'm heartbroken. 

No comments: