Start over

Once again I am taking medication to treat my annoying melancholic depression, I wish I could be ok without it but I am not, I feel horrible all the time, beyond sadness, I feel hopeless, helpless, unworthy, hideous, guilty, anxious and pretty much a waste of time, space and resources. 

So I guess the best is to try to help my mind get a bit quiet. 

I was told a while ago that for my condition it was expected to get worse, I thought they were trying to scare me into taking the meds without question, I mean there are lots of people out there who get better, right? Is there no hope for me?

Having an incompetent doctor doesn't help either, dr wasn't even capable of asking real questions about how I feel, and was clearly uncomfortable, beating around the bush and saying 'you've had black thoughts in the past?' I saw her flinch when I said yes I had attempted suicide before. The conversation turned to 'what do you want to take?' I need her to be the dr to take care and make a decision, I can't prescribe things or treat myself, that's stupid. Don't know, may be I'm needing a stay in the kennel again. 

I'm not plotting and planning, I just simply want to stop feeling so shit, I just want to sleep forever.