Tonsillectomy

Day 10
it has been quite a rollercoaster, excruciating pain, compounded depression, inability to swallow solid food and the insistance from the surgeon I must force tablets and solids down my gob regardless of them getting stuck and inducing a cold sweat and my whole body shaking in agony. Still some more weeks of pain to endure but sure enough I will get through it.
New post op protocol, no more all-you-can-eat icecream and jelly, no more soft diet. Just a few hours after the surgery I was made to eat roast lamb and veggies. Plenty of narcotics to take the edge off of the pain but alas not very effective.
As the days go by the pain gets worse but mercifully I have been told it will improve by day 14 or so, I'm counting down the minutes...
I wish I was slightly interested in food and could eat something delicious and be able to swallow without having to grasp the table so hard my knuckles go white - at least I'm not drooling anymore.
I'm recovering very well physically pain and all but what was meant to be an over night stay inhospital has turned out to be 3 weeks at least in a psychitric ward, the surgery, the anaesthetic, the pain and the stress have unleashed the deep seated and pernicious depression once again.
Here comes the shithead night shift nurse to give me a harangue. He is a tool.

oh the joy

Very busy with school, and work, and life. Always thinking.

my word!

The Court hearing is looming, it will be the conclusion to an unreasonable and completely vexatious matter.
I will be free from her harassment.
I'm strong, I'm free and I'm making sure I am safe and well.
I shall prevail.

Class, elegance and style are completely useless - when you are void of them!
Sophistication seems to be as rare and as mythical, as a unicorn.
I am happy I am free and self sufficient, I don't need to consult others to know what to do or think, I can make my own decisions and have my own opinions.
I have me to look after myself.
I am very fortunate indeed.

mhhhhh

I really wish I could fly.
Why can I never get it right?
What is wrong with me?
Why is it, no matter what I do, no matter how good and lovely I am, nobody can ever see it?
What have I done so wrong that I deserve only scornful looks, harsh words and appallind treatment? Dear God, please give patience to suffer, give strength to endure and give me serenity to grin and beare it all...

you ass-wipe!

So Spike, did you really think I didn't know? You are an outright liar, and yes, you are fat and no, you are not so hot. Your delusions of grandeur are actually quite boring after the 3rd time you keep telling the same story.
I hope you get shingles and alopecia areata, that would definitely make you think twice about how great you are!
Feel free to reply, I don't care about it, I just want to put this out there.

demons and trying to be less

Today I am fazed by the thoughts of why so many others are having agreat time and I seem to strugle all the time. I work hard, I do what it takes for me to be O>K and yet I don't seem to be going anywhere, I feel lonely, unloved, and quite frankly hard done by life...
I really don't want to whinge but by the mass! no matter how hard I try, life seems to be passing me by, friends and acquaintances are doing better and bigger and I just barely exist day by day.
Why is life so hard? Why is love so hard to find? Why is kindness so rare? I am not talking just about me anymore, I am talking about life, love and kindness in general, so many people go without, so many die of unnecessary and preventable causes, I am very puzzled by suffering and yet there seems to be nothing I can do to help my own situation let alone that of others.
True I volunteer my time to charity and give what I can but it is just not even noticeable. I really wish I could invent a machine that could come up with realistic and feasible solutions for these problems.

There are many good things in my life and that's a fact. I have a home, a have 2 jobs, I have treatment for my Bipolar, I have a few friends and I suppose I even have a lover, so why is it that I feel so very alone? What can I do to feel content with my life?

Somebody told me I should try to be - well, 'less' I don't really know what that means, should I try to be less me, or less caring or less what?

All I know is that my next therapy session is going to be full of deep searching into the depths of my Psyche and the confines of my heart.