Love

I have a puppy dog, she loves me & I adore her, this has been the best thing to happen in the past 2 months.

Had surgery again, 2 weeks ago; the pain is getting back to my base level. But having the companionship & unconditional love from Foxy has been the best salve to soothe my heart.

N has been great too, so supportive & understanding — it feels so natural to have such an easy companion again. I guess I'm just terrified that my illnesses will make N to burnout or that the cancer or the madness or the MS/MND(??) will become an issue that will create a rift in our friendship.

I'm terrified that N will leave me ( yes, I know N has said that won't happen, but it could happen).

I still feel like everyone else will be better when I die, I still want to die, and yet, I'm allowing myself to enjoy the joy of these new companionships, p'haps foolishly.

Summer humid days & nights

It's been a long while...

The humidity makes my exhaustion even more, having so many different health issues concurrently is frustrating; not knowing for certain what/why is wrong & the worst thing ever is when you get to find yourself in a state filled with dread and uncertainty. Are the conditions discrete or related? Who knows!,

Cancer is a cuntery of epic proportions. 

I'm back at work, and it is already boring beyond belief, things that seemed challenging initially have turned out to be terribly dull and easy, I so hate having to pretend to be dumb so I don't annoy my colleagues and clients; so I can try to have a conversation which will usually be about something entirely trivial and useless. Sometimes, when I'm feeling very unwell, mundane and easy talk is as much as I can manage but I hate to have to play dumb to "fit in".

I've taken on a paramour, beautiful eyes,  clear and truthful; generous, kind, content with life, beautiful inside and out, affectionate too, and such a wonderful lover, sex is incredibly satisfying. But I am confused, I'm still very much in love with Simon, and the saddest thing is: he's never coming back, I'll never be able to hear his voice again or caress his beautiful body. 

The source of my internal conflict is that I have fallen hard, head over heels for the new man. Can you love two people at the same time? Sometimes I feel as if I'm betraying Sim; and other times I feel I am betraying F when we have sex I'm making love to S. Not all the time though, many times I'm giving myself completely to F.

I know he doesn't love me back. Unrequited love is a terribly sad affair. 

2016

Another year has gone, a new one has commenced, I am still heartbroken and alone, the latter by choice, the former by circumstance.

All the new hoops and hurdles thrown in my path are just distractions and will ultimately only work on my favour, they are making me more savvy, more confident, more resilient. I'm learning more about the human condition, I'm learning that indeed greed has no limits & that when someone gets butt-hurt to the point all they want to do is cause you harm, you better be prepared for them to start hurling shit at you, just like an ape who's displeased.

I truly hope that when they finally see their own face in the mirror they will have the balls to admit the hideous imagine being reflected is the Golum they have finally become.  Maybe they'll get a therapist to help them work on their obsessive & narcissistic personality.  

Happy new year fuckers!